


yes, i'd love it if we made it

by playthetyrants



Category: The Creatures | Cow Chop RPF, fakechop - Fandom
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drug Addiction, Drugs, Fake Chop, Graphic Violence, M/M, Toxic Relationships, but only fleetingly, but we get a good ending, i'm sure i'm forgetting a lot but this is the general gist of it, just gotta get there, lots of them - Freeform, this gets pretty dark not gonna lie, whoop there it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-12
Updated: 2018-09-12
Packaged: 2019-07-11 09:06:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15969158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/playthetyrants/pseuds/playthetyrants
Summary: It was supposed to be harmless. Just one time, to experience it. It made sense; after all, he was the most fearless crime lord in the entire state of California. He was the strong one, the one that everyone looked up to and the one that Aleks had never seen crumble for anyone or anything in his life.James had rolled up his sleeve and found a vein near the crook of his elbow, the rest of the room drunkenly oblivious to everything as Aleks just swayed slightly in place, watching as his boyfriend looked up at him with an innocent, dazed smile.“You gotta try everything once, right?” Aleks merely blinked at him, struggling to see past the multiple Jameses he was now seeing in his vision before he turned his head back down, taking careful aim before inserting the needle into his skin.Oh, God. If only he would’ve known.aleks has been taken care of by james for over 4 years. he soon realizes that it's harder than he thinks to reciprocate that.





	yes, i'd love it if we made it

**Author's Note:**

> hello friends! i know it's been a little while, college is back in full swing and i'm slowly withering again. 
> 
> this story originally started out as a simple song fic (as taken from the amazing song Love It If We Made It by The 1975, where the title is from) and it turned into so much more. 
> 
> i feel that, especially right now, we need to talk about drugs and drug addiction. the stigma around it is so harmful and nothing is going to change if we don't get comfortable discussing it. especially with recent deaths in the news, i think that now more than ever we all just need people to lean on and talk to. 
> 
> if you are struggling with addiction, PLEASE do not lose hope. there are always people out there who are willing to listen, myself included. i am always here to talk. 
> 
> the national hotline for SAMSA (substance abuse and mental health services administration) is 1-800-662-HELP (4357). they are open 24/7, and always ready to talk.
> 
> i hope this story helps you realize that everyone, no matter what, deserves a happy ending.
> 
> SIDE NOTE: this story is told in Aleks' POV, but at the very end i switch it to James' and it's designated with a large line break and star symbols. i just felt like the ending was better told through his eyes.

Aleks was 19 when he took his first shot of heroin. 

 

He blames his underdeveloped, adolescent mind for it; there was nothing but stupid chemicals in his brain to blame for the fact that he’d thought it a good idea to shove a literal needle into his skin, right into the vein that ran in the elbow crease of his left arm. 

 

The sensation was almost underwhelming to him; he’d looked up at his friends with a confused look on his face, eyeing them nervously as if to ask why it wasn’t working before it had hit him all at once and he swore he’d almost died. He didn’t remember anything except for waking up later, facedown on the couch in his friend’s shitty apartment living room, all alone and covered in sweat, left behind in the dust like trash carelessly thrown out the window. 

 

In his mind, heroin wasn’t really worth the hassle. There was too much to prepare, too much to plan out and frankly, it didn’t do much for him. 

 

Aleks met James when they were 21 and 23, at a house party for someone neither of them knew. His only friend at the time was a guy named Seamus, who had a bright smile and a way with words that made people flock to him, and Aleks had been no different. Seamus had taken a liking to him and had decided to take him in despite his younger age, when he’d fled to Los Santos after the death of his mom had sent him reeling and running away from home as fast as he possibly could at the age of 18. Pretty soon after he’d shown up, with just enough money to afford one month’s rent at the shittiest apartment complex in town, Seamus had seen potential in his lanky frame and recruited him into drug dealing. 

 

Which, he figures, wasn’t the smartest idea. Then again, when had he ever been smart?

 

The party that night was a goldmine for potential buyers and Seamus had jumped on the opportunity immediately, dragging Aleks along for the ride. He hadn’t wanted to go; he remembered being tired and bitched the entire car ride there, Seamus’ excited demeanor never diminishing even for a second. By the time they reached the house, a mansion on the rich side of town they never ventured towards, Aleks was worn out with himself and reluctantly forced himself out of the car only when Seamus assured him he didn’t have to work tonight. 

 

“Leave it all to me, yeah? Go out and enjoy yourself. You’re young, you’re cute; find a nice girl to hook up with! You’ll feel better afterwards.” Aleks remained silent, fighting the urge to roll his eyes at the comment as he slammed the door a little too roughly shut, shoving his hands in his pockets before following Seamus up the cobblestoned driveway that held too many cars that were worth more than Aleks’ life. 

 

Outside people who were already wasted lurked in the shadows, throwing up behind trees or dry heaving off of the front porch, their friends either laughing at them or drunkenly attempting to help. Aleks sidestepped over one particular girl who looked about minutes away from death, throwing up whatever she’d downed all over the freshly manicured grass. He swallowed back down another sigh, already looking forward to when this thing got busted and everyone was forced to flee. 

 

Seamus left as soon as they passed through the doorway, disappearing into a sea of bodies that filled the space like liquid. Aleks swallowed thickly, his hands automatically clenching into fists in his jacket before he began to fight his way through the crowd, sweaty bodies colliding with him at every chance they got. 

 

The music was loud and bad, an obnoxious mix of pop and rap that Aleks didn’t care for in the slightest. He glanced around fleetingly, everyone’s faces looking lost in the bright fluorescent lights that flashed like cameras everywhere, the bass thudding like one huge heartbeat in his ribcage. 

 

He finally reached the kitchen, taking one glance at the contents that sat on the counter before sighing softly and reaching for a cup, hastily making a mixture of vodka and God knows what to mix it with. If he was going to get through this night, it wasn’t going to be done while sober. 

 

Aleks managed to make his drink before a new swarm of people filed in, and he slipped out before anyone could trap him in, making a beeline for the other side of the house where the backyard was, suddenly dying for a breath of fresh air. 

 

There was a pool in the back, filled with abandoned floaties and plastic red cups that had been abandoned hours beforehand when the sun had set. There were still people on the porch, sucking face in lawn chairs or passed out on the deck, and Aleks quickly jogged down the steps before anyone took notice of him, slowing down as he passed the pool and crossed the rest of the yard, reaching the edge of a large golf course he hadn’t realized was hidden back here. 

 

He stopped at the green, taking a sip of his drink slowly as he wondered idly if this was a neighborhood one or if it was privately owned by whoever had this house when he heard a voice a few steps behind him. 

 

“Never seen a golf course before?” Aleks turned around quickly, startled by the noise when he met the eyes of James Wilson for the first time, big and brown and reflecting the light of the full moon that was hanging over both of their heads. 

 

Aleks blinked at that, lowering his cup slightly as James smiled softly at him, head tilted slightly to the side. “Nah, I get it. Anything out here is much more interesting than whatever the fuck is going on in there.” He nodded his head back towards the house and Aleks’ eyes followed the movement for a second, going back to his face right after. 

 

He was about his height, with short brown hair that was otherwise covered with a black beanie on top of his head. He had a dark beard, high cheekbones and dimples in his cheeks that Aleks had never seen so defined in his life, perfectly matching the small wrinkles that accompanied his grin right by his eyes. 

 

He was dressed similar to Aleks, in jeans and a hoodie that was a little too big for him but seemed to fit his persona nonetheless. He didn’t have a drink, his hands shoved into the pockets of his jacket not unlike Aleks had been doing just minutes before. 

 

Aleks was so busy analyzing this man that he hadn’t noticed James raise an eyebrow at him, that smile never leaving his lips. “What, you don’t speak either?” 

 

He snapped out of it then, shaking his head and clearing his throat a bit before he straightened up, reaching up with his free hand to push his hair from out of his eyes. 

 

“Sorry…” he replied, feeling his cheeks heat up in the dark as James giggled softly at him, eyes still locked on his own. “I just...I don’t know anyone in there, besides the person who brought me here. And God knows what he’s doing right now…” You know damn well what he’s doing, Aleks thought irritably to himself, falling silent as he brought the cup back up to his lips to drink, looking back towards the green.

 

James hummed lightly at that, and Aleks saw him turn to match Aleks’ gaze from the corner of his eye, his entire body turning to face the course. 

 

“Well, you and I have something in common then. I got dragged here too.” Aleks let his lips linger on the edge of the cup for a second, listening to James’ voice fade off before he turned his face once more, taking in James’ profile for a moment before the other man met his gaze. 

 

“Guess that makes us friends then, huh?” Aleks couldn’t help but match the smile that spread across James’ face, feeling his cheeks beginning to heat up once more and it wasn’t just because of the alcohol anymore. 

 

And well...the rest was history. 

 

21 turned into 25 before Aleks knew it, and James was never not at his side for the entirely of those 4 years. Frankly, it felt like the opposite; Aleks felt like he grabbed onto James’ hand that night and never let go, running frantically behind him as James quickly worked his way up in the dirty company that was the city of Los Santos. 

 

James was smart; his days of simple street drug dealing seemed to transform overnight into a city wide crime spree that only he was capable of pulling off. For whatever reason James had attached himself to Aleks that night at the party, and Aleks had never been so thankful for something in his entire life. For the first time in what felt like his entire life, he’d finally found somewhere he belonged. It was a spot he fit perfectly into; he didn’t have to alter anything about himself when it came to James. 

 

James was all talk and no bite when it came to Aleks; when it came to the rest of the city, all it took was a simple look from his direction to send people cowering. 

 

Those 4 years felt like mere seconds to Aleks. One night he fell asleep a lanky 21 year old with long hair and a pocket full of cocaine and woke up 25, tatted up with a gun in his hand instead. 

 

In the process people had come and gone; Aleks cut ties with Seamus a couple years after meeting James and didn’t look back. He wasn’t interested in what they were doing; crime wasn’t his thing, but the power had been too much for Aleks to pass up and besides, anywhere James went he went right along with him. 

 

Joe was there from the beginning, James’ best friend and partner in crime in multiple senses of the word. He’d taken a liking to Aleks right from the start and it was really the three of them that first saw this thing through, this new era of underground drug dealing and crime and their thirst for money just grew with every successful heist they managed to pull off.

 

They found Trevor shortly after they started, rescuing him from a homelife that was well on its way to burning him alive. Aleks had been weary because of his young age, but James had seen such potential and vowed to keep him safe. 

 

Brett came right after that, followed by Asher and then months later Anna and Lindsey. One bad decision during a heist had ended up with Aleks on his knees in the middle of an abandoned warehouse, a knife to his throat and his arms twisted behind his back as the two women had kneeled down on either side of them, pretty faces illuminated with calm demeanors and steady voices that said,

 

“We’d like to speak to your boyfriend about a job.” 

 

That was another thing; Aleks was known just as that, James’ boyfriend. Across Los Santos, across the state of California, maybe even across the fucking country, people heard James’ name and automatically associated Aleks with him, even if they didn’t know his name.

 

He wasn’t sure how he felt about it until one day during a meeting with some of the other heads of various groups around the state. There was a particularly large job they’d planned on doing together, the takedown of a huge company that had done nothing but screw over people for years on end. The job was complicated, full of various steps and plans that overlapped so carefully that one wrong move or bad call could throw everyone off or cost someone their life. 

 

Aleks had been sat at James’ side the entire time, keeping quiet as he listened to the other men debate amongst themselves, all of them the heads of their own groups and all of them uneasy about the risks to the rest of their crews if they decided to go through with this. 

 

James had fallen silent, eyebrow furrowed slightly as he frowned a bit at the table in front of them, tanned hands resting on the polished wood surface. Everyone was staring at him; Aleks could feel their eyes, and he kept his head down, picking at his fingernail in his lap as he let James debate this in his mind for a moment. 

 

He nearly jumped out of his seat as he felt James move his hand over to his leg, fingers curling around the edge of his thigh and towards his knee. Aleks lifted his head quickly, blinking in confusion as he met James’ gaze, his eyes soft and face slightly pained, scanning his face ever so carefully in the dim lighting of that room. 

 

Aleks remained silent, swallowing thickly as his heart beat unevenly in his chest, keeping still as James raised his other hand towards his face, fingertips making contact with Aleks’ slightly flushed skin for a second before they ran down his jawline, his dark eyes following his own movements before he spoke. 

 

“Call it off.” There was a beat of silence then, one of disbelief and pure awe and Aleks sucked in a breath at that, eyes widening slightly at James’ decision. 

 

“You’ve been planning this for months, baby…” he whispered slowly, blinking as James’ thumb made its way to his lips for a brief second before dropping his hand. “Why call it off now?” 

 

James shook his head, still staring at him almost dreamily and never breaking eye contact once. 

 

“It’s not worth it. All of the money in the world doesn’t even close to what you’re worth to me, Aleksandr.” The room fell silent once more at that, and Aleks felt himself forget how to breathe.

 

All he could do was sit there, his brain trying its hardest to process what was happening as James finally tore his gaze away, turning towards the rest of the table as he slid his hand around Aleks’ waist, his hand resting on the small of his back as he began to rub his thumb in small, gentle circles against his skin before looking adamantly at everyone else at the table. 

 

“Call it off,” he repeated, his tone sterner now. “I’m not putting Aleks or any of my crew into that situation. You can’t replace the people you love.” 

 

And after that, he was perfectly okay with being James’ boyfriend. 

 

And so here they were now, 4 years after that fateful night at the party, in a car parked down the street from the building they were about to rob, Aleks busy filling the cartridge of his pistol in the dark while James tapped his fingers slowly against the top of the steering wheel.

 

He finished loading and snapped the cartridge in, picking up his gun and sliding it into its designated spot on his hip, squinting a bit in the dim nighttime lighting as he heard James turn the car off, keys jingling lightly against the steering wheel as he dropped his hand from the ignition. 

 

“We’re really about to do this, huh?” Aleks stayed quiet, fingers lingering against the cool metal of his pistol for a moment before he lifted his head up to meet James’ eyes with his own, sparkling even in what little moonlight was streaming in through the windshield. Aleks smirked a bit, finishing with slipping the gun away before leaning against the back of his seat, watching James lightly. 

 

“Getting cold feet?” he teased, and James huffed dramatically at that, tearing his gaze away from Aleks to look forward instead. 

 

“Never around you, baby,” he murmured in response, staring longingly at the huge bank building in front of them. It loomed in the distance, directly down the street from them on a corner, with elegant columns and tasteful lights that made it seem more like a posh museum than anything. 

 

This job had been months in the making, a collaborative effort of everyone in the group. The plan was tactical, foolproof; the countless nights James had spent planning every particular detail couldn’t all be for nothing. 

 

Aleks hadn’t felt this confident about a heist in a long time, and knowing that he was going in with the man he loved so much at his side made it all the more harder to get scared. 

 

Aleks watched him stare forward, almost feeling the anticipation rolling off of him in waves before he reached over and pushed a stray curl that had fallen from his gun back behind his ear, adjusting his already falling earpiece in the process. 

 

“Lindsey would be pissed if you lost that,” Aleks teased lightly, not able to contain his smile as he watched a grin spread across James’ face, dimple appearing on his cheek before he turned to face Aleks, humming softly in response. 

 

“Understatement of the year…” He reached up with his own hand to further fix it and his fingertips made contact with Aleks’ hand in the process, Aleks managing to stifle the way his breath left his lungs at the almost electric touch. 

 

If James noticed he made no comment, dropping his hand after a few seconds after Aleks had pulled his back, silently gazing at the way his muscles ripples beneath the short black sleeves of his shirt. His tattooed arms were exposed for all to see, tanned hands covered in fingerless gloves that perfectly matched the black bulletproof vest he had on over his chest and torso. His eyes floated towards the top of his body, taking in the slightly exposed parts of his shoulders before they ran up his neck, Adam’s apple bobbing slightly as he swallowed. 

 

“Hey, my eyes are up here, asshole.” Aleks blinked at that, jerking his head up slightly to meet James’ amused smirk, that loose curl he’d tried to tuck back earlier dangling right next to his face once more. “Come on, baby. Let’s get this job done and once it’s successful, I’ll make sure you get all the time in the world to drool over me tonight.” 

 

Aleks felt his heart skip a beat and his face flush at the same time, heat rising to his cheeks almost instantly as James tilted his head to the side slightly, watching him almost insultingly with a crooked smile and through long eyelashes. His hand snaked from his lap over to rest on Aleks’ thigh, thumb running against the inner part of his jeans just to be a fucking asshole. 

 

Aleks cleared his throat after a moment, the touch jolting him slightly in his seat before he nodded quickly, scratching his chin frantically with his hand in order to try and will himself to calm down. 

 

“Yeah, sounds good,” he managed to utter out, and James grinned even wider at that, lifting his hand up from his leg. Aleks’ head was still spinning when he felt James reach over towards his face then, large hand cupping the back of his neck gently with his thumb against his jawline and cheekbone with his index finger right below his ear, pulling him close with a gentle tug. 

 

He managed to suck in a breath before James kissed him, lips gentle and mouth soft against his own, tasting like the mint gum he always chewed right before a heist. 

 

Aleks let his eyes flutter shut almost instantly, relaxing in his grip and leaning forward so he could be closer to him, tilting his face slightly and opening his mouth to let James in more, eager to taste more of him and let his beard scratch against his pale skin. 

 

James hummed quietly again, the noise faint but Aleks could still feel it all the same, James’ hand slowly slipping down from the side of his neck as he began to pull away, breathing softly against his mouth. 

 

“Save it for later, yeah?” he murmured breathlessly, and Aleks managed a feeble nod in response, blinking slowly as he struggled to grapple the lightheaded feeling that had now taken over his brain. James smiled again, letting his eyes flicker over Aleks’ face once more before he sat back up, taking a slow, deep breath as he stared at the building once more, waiting a moment before he lifted a hand and pressed his index finger against his earpiece. 

 

“Are we good to go?” Aleks leaned back against the seat again as he heard a stacticky crackle in response before Lindsey’s voice came through, calm and clear on the other side. 

 

“Absolutely, boss. Just give us the signal and we’ll be ready.” James let his hand fall again, resting it against his own thigh for a moment before he turned to face  Aleks, raising an eyebrow. 

 

“They’ll never know what hit them.” 

 

Aleks still wonders to this day why he chose those words, specifically. He couldn’t have done it on purpose; James hadn’t planned on getting high later that night. He’d never really been big into drugs, he preferred drinking. There was no way of him knowing how hard it was going to hit him, how that tiny needle in the crook of his arm was going to ruin his life, was going to hit him harder than any bullet in any heist he could imagine. 

 

No, the guards at the bank had no idea what hit them that evening, when the onslaught of people began swarming in. 

 

But neither did James, at a party just a few hours later, when he decided to try heroin for the first time. 

 

Aleks still isn’t sure why he did it; he assumed it was just the thrill of the moment, the same reason Aleks had tried it all those years ago when he was young and stupid and looking for anything to make him feel something in this huge city full of vacant people. 

 

They were all pretty drunk; the celebrating had started as soon as they’d gotten back and knew they were safe from the cops. Bottles of every type of liquor Aleks could think of lined the kitchen table, and no one was shy in taking what they wanted. 

 

By the time the moon was illuminating most of the night sky, the entire crew was pleasantly buzzed. Aleks had a tight grip on James’ hand, fingers interlocked with him at all times as they floated around the room, James giggling loudly and Aleks smiling alongside him, too entranced by the way his dimples were showing throughout his constant grinning. 

 

Joe had somehow ended up sitting in the middle of the table and had become the self pronounced bartender, eagerly pouring badly mixed drinks and handing them out to whoever was empty handed. Aleks took quite a few that night, wanting to bottle up the feeling he had right now and keep it forever; James’ constant presence at his side, body heat warm and familiar, Lindsey and Anna cuddled up on the couch in the living room while their fingers danced along each other’s faces, Asher and Trevor wreaking harmless, loud havoc in the kitchen while Brett and Joe laughed from the table. 

 

At some point the drugs came out, and Aleks couldn’t lie and say he wasn’t a fan of cocaine on occasion. He doesn’t remember who had it, exactly, but a few minutes later the white powder was being dispersed amongst them all to take hits from. 

 

James was still happily drunk, finishing off his cup before setting it down and humming a bit, pulling Aleks over to stand in front of him so he could better wrap his arms around his waist. 

 

“Not tonight, I think I’m good…” Aleks kept quiet, feeling his cheeks begin to heat up as James lowered his face into his shoulder, his face warm against his skin as his lips began to trail upwards towards the hollow of his throat, shifting slightly in his grip. 

 

“Yeah, me too…” Aleks managed to utter out, and the entire situation was so euphoric that he still can’t remember who brought the heroin out. 

 

One moment James was kissing on his neck, murmuring God knows what into his flushed skin and then the next there was a needle on the table, sat right next to a shiny spoon filled with that dark, disgusting substance. 

 

He’s tried for so long to wrack his brain and fill in the gaps; everything between the two of them seeing it for the first time and James sticking the needle into his arm was all a blur. 

 

Aleks was so drunk the room was starting to spin, James’ hand finally leaving his own for the first time that night to reach over for the drug, hands surprisingly steady for how intoxicated he was. Aleks’ hand didn’t seem to know what to do with itself so it gripped the edge of the table instead, steadying himself as he watched James’ long, thin fingers carefully pick up the needle and dip it into the spoon, drawing the drug into it as he giggled the entire time. 

 

It was supposed to be harmless. Just one time, to experience it. It made sense; after all, he was the most fearless crime lord in the entire state of California. He was the strong one, the one that everyone looked up to and the one that Aleks had never seen crumble for anyone or anything in his life. 

 

James had rolled up his sleeve and found a vein near the crook of his elbow, the rest of the room drunkenly oblivious to everything as Aleks just swayed slightly in place, watching as his boyfriend looked up at him with an innocent, dazed smile. 

 

“You gotta try everything once, right?” Aleks merely blinked at him, struggling to see past the multiple Jameses he was now seeing in his vision before he turned his head back down, taking careful aim before inserting the needle into his skin. 

 

Oh, God. If only he would’ve known.

 

The effect was quick on him; Aleks watched his boyfriend finish injecting the entire thing into his arm before he pulled it out and quickly pressed his thumb over the spot, tilting his head to the side drunkenly to glance at it. 

 

“Eh, just a little blood…” Brett’s loud laughter was heard from the living room, where everyone but the two of them seemed to have gravitated to. Aleks’ head was still spinning, hands clamped onto the back of a chair for support now as James leaned against the edge of the table, staring off at something on the wall with a thoughtful look on his face. 

 

“That’s...wow…” James’ voice was barely above a murmur and Aleks stumbled forward a bit, reaching out towards his arms to steady himself, clamping his pale hands around his tattooed, tanned ones. 

 

“There’s like...a rush, usually…” Aleks blinked again, struggling against his brain as he fought to spoke clearly. “It’s like...your cheeks will get hot, and your heartbeat speeds up, and you just feel so...good…” 

 

He felt the breath leave his lungs in an instant, James’ hands flying up to grab his waist and pull him forward in one swift move. Aleks’ eyes widened, mouth open in shock from his gasp as James smirked fondly at him, tilting his head to the side and giving him a smug look, seeming to devour his face with his big brown eyes. 

 

“I feel great.” The words were soft, spilling from his lips like water in a gentle stream and Aleks blinked slowly, hands still clamped around James’ biceps. James began to slide his own hands down from his waist to his hips, thumbs snaking their way beneath the thin fabric of his shirt to run against the smooth, warm skin beneath it. 

 

Aleks shivered slightly, inhaling another sharp breath and feeling his body stiffen up slightly as James hummed a bit, tilting his head down slightly to watch himself as he slid his thumb down against the bones of his hips before they slipped under the waistband of his jeans, Aleks shifting slightly in his grip before James looked up again, still smiling smugly. 

 

“Can I show you how great I feel tonight, baby?” he murmured, and all Aleks could do was swallow thickly in response, absolutely entranced by the way his boyfriend had his eyes locked on him. 

 

He nodded slowly, his heart racing a mile a minute against his rib cage before James’ hands were moving once more, dancing their way up his body and grabbing gently onto each side of his face, pulling him close and kissing him as deep as he could, opening his mouth to waste no time in letting Aleks in. 

 

The music was obnoxiously loud and no one heard James scoop Aleks up from the floor, his legs automatically snaking their way around James’ hips and his arms flying across the back of his neck. He didn’t want to stop for air, didn’t want to miss a second of the way James tasted. 

 

He held on tight as James stumbled his way upstairs, the two of them giggling into each other’s mouths, a mixture of vodka and whiskey and God knows what else permeating their tongues. The trip to the bedroom felt like a lifetime, and Aleks nearly screamed with joy when he felt his back make contact with the mattress beneath him, already well on his way, even in his drunken state, to getting himself undressed as fast as he possibly could while James did the same standing up, yanking his shirt over his head and tossing it to the side in mere seconds before crawling back over to Aleks, already eager to find his mouth again. 

 

He didn’t feel guilty that night; he had no reason to. 

 

They’d had sex while high or drunk plenty of times before; this was no different. There was never any confusion, any tension or lines crossed because they just knew each other so well than to ever do that. Aleks was thankful for the loud music downstairs; it didn’t cease until the early morning began to roll around, when James was lying breathlessly on his stomach and Aleks was on his back, his own chest rising and falling rapidly as he stared at the ceiling above him, one hand on his stomach and the other hanging off the bed. 

 

“Jesus Christ…” was all he could mutter in response, his body still tingling from the aftershock of it all. James didn’t respond for a moment, face halfway buried into a pillow while his long curls fell aimlessly against his bare shoulders and back, lifting his head after a few seconds. 

 

“Are you okay?” Aleks felt a hand immediately reach out to touch his cheek, the back of James’ fingers coming into contact with his warm skin and he closed his eyes almost immediately, the soft presence automatically comforting. 

 

He hummed wearily in response, moving his head slightly and feeling James drop his hand before he turned to face him, opening his eyes and giving him a soft smile before nodding. 

 

“I’m absolutely perfect,” he murmured quietly, and James’ face was beaming even in the dim lighting of their bedroom. He immediately pushed himself up to lay on his arm, reaching out and pulling Aleks over carefully and gently to his chest before grabbing ahold of the blanket that had been thrown to the ground hours before. 

 

Aleks curled up gratefully against him, his head falling with a soft thud against his chest almost immediately. He tucked one arm beneath his own head and draped the other over James’ waist, his eyes already on their way to closing as James tugged the blanket over both of their bodies. 

 

“I’d tease you about being sleepy, but you have every right to be after that.” Aleks smirked audibly at that, shaking his head against James’ chest as he felt the older man wrap his arms around his body protectively, his cheek going to rest on the top of his head. 

 

“You’re too good to me, Aleksandr. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve someone as wonderful as you.” Aleks felt like his brain simultaneously shut down and went into overload mode all at once, struggling to come up with words to process what he was feeling but all that came out was a blush on his cheeks. There was a few seconds pause as he tried to spit out what exactly he wanted to say, but before he could James pressed a soft kiss to his hair instead, thumb running gently up and down across the small of his bare back. 

 

“I’ll see you in the morning…” Aleks smiled softly to himself, savoring James’ words for a moment more before he pressed a kiss to his chest in acknowledgement, settling his head back down and closing his eyes, falling asleep almost immediately. 

 

That was the last good sleep he’d had in almost a year. 

 

When morning came, Aleks didn’t really sense a difference in him. They woke up late, laid in bed even later, and James was still James. The hangovers were a bitch, but that was to be expected after everything they’d ingested the night before. 

 

They were drinking water together, curled up in bed while the sun was blocked out from the presence of storm clouds and rain outside when James first mentioned it again. 

 

“God, that shit was good last night.” Aleks had lowered his bottle slowly, not really thinking much of it before glancing up at him. 

 

“The heroin? Yeah, it’s pretty strong...some sort of new strain, I guess.” James had hummed at that, nodding a bit before bringing his water back to his lips, drinking slowly with a thoughtful look on his face as he stared off at something out the window. 

 

And Aleks thought nothing of it. Why should he have? It was an innocent observation at best. 

 

James was smart, always had been. He went 2 months without Aleks knowing a damn thing about the heroin he was starting to inject more and more frequently with each passing week, right under his nose. He’d do it in the mornings before Aleks was awake, or at night when Aleks was busy downstairs with the other members of the house or even off on “missions” by himself or with the heads of other crews. 

 

Aleks didn’t catch on until he slipped up one night in December, coming home late from one of these said missions and stumbling through the front door, nearly slipping on the tile in the entryway due to the ever present Colorado snow. Aleks was wide awake and waiting, looking up from his phone on the couch and squinting in the dark as James’ silhouette came into view, hands grabbing aimlessly for something to hold onto to keep himself from falling. 

 

“What the fuck?” Aleks’ confused voice made James jump, groaning loudly in frustration as he realized where it had come from, grabbing ahold of the banister on the stairs for support. 

 

“Jesus Christ Aleksandr, don’t sneak up on me like that!” he snapped angrily, and Aleks merely ignored him, pushing himself off the couch and walking over, switching on the entryway light to stare at him. 

 

He was wet from the snow outside, his hair damp and falling out of its usual tidy bun, curls sticking slightly to his pink cheeks. His jacket was on, one of the sleeves slightly rolled up and the exposed skin red from the cold outside and he kept his face tilted down slightly, adamant on Aleks not looking at him. 

 

“Why are you awake? It’s like 4 in the fucking morning, I told you I’d be late…” Aleks frowned at that, shaking his head slowly but keeping his distance still, taking in the way his voice was unsteady and his knuckles were white from gripping the railing so hard. 

 

“You didn’t say you’d be this late. I got worried, and you wouldn’t answer your phone.” James huffed in annoyance at that but didn’t respond, raising his arm up to wipe his sleeve against his running nose, sniffling slightly as he did. Aleks’ eyes flickered down to sleeve, watching as he began to lower it once more before he reached out and grabbed it quickly. 

 

James yelped in response, knowing exactly what Aleks was about to do but Aleks was quicker, yanking up the sleeve of his jacket with one swift movement and feeling his entire body stiffen up, chest tightening as he saw a delicate pattern of track marks littering his inner arm. 

 

James yanked his arm away quickly, shooting Aleks a dark look as he pulled it back towards his chest but keeping his mouth shut nonetheless. Aleks couldn’t breathe for a moment, still struggling to process everything as he blinked slowly at James’ arm, as if he could somehow change what he’d just seen. 

 

“...how long?” James stayed quiet, rubbing absentmindedly at his inner arm as he stared at the ground, the only sound in the room the dripping of water on the tile floor beneath them from his jacket. 

 

Aleks sucked in a slow breath, willing himself not to reach over and strangle James with his own bare hands, crossing his arms over his chest to try and calm himself down. “Are you high right now?” 

 

The silence was enough of an answer. James raised a hand up to his face, rubbing wearily at his eyes for a moment as Aleks seethed, feeling himself clenching his hands into fists against his ribcage. 

 

James lifted his head then, glancing up and dropping his arm to gaze at him through his long eyelashes, brown eyes big and dreamy and pupils just tiny little dots. 

 

“I’m sorry, Aleks…” There was something in his voice that Aleks had never heard before, something dark and broken and lost and it made his skin crawl. He spoke barely above a whisper, his voice raspy like he was sick, which he probably was. Aleks frowned deeper at that, furrowing his brow even more as James swallowed thickly, never breaking eye contact. 

 

“I just get stressed, you know?” he continued somberly, his voice wavering slightly. “This job, it takes a toll. I have so much to do, so much to look out for, people that I love…” He tilted his head slightly at that, eyes flickering across Aleks’ face and Aleks felt his stomach churn uncomfortably, shifting slightly in his spot but nevertheless staying silent. 

 

“It makes me feel so good. After that night at the party...it calmed me down so much, you know?” He paused for a moment, as if contemplating his words and then straightened up a bit. “I don’t do it a lot-“

 

“That’s a lie.” Aleks watched James wince at his sudden outburst, head going back down as Aleks kept speaking, arms still over his chest. 

 

“Those marks aren’t old. I’m sure one of them is from just now, yeah? You’re as high as a fucking kite.” James swallowed again, Aleks watching his Adam’s apple bob slightly in his throat before he sighed in frustration, dropping his arms and crossing over slowly. 

 

“James, come on dude.” His voice had a plea to it, a sound of disbelief as he reached out to touch the other man’s arms, fingers wrapping around his biceps. “You’re smarter than this. You know exactly what happens to people who use shit like this regularly, you’ve seen it first hand.” James seemed to stiffen up a bit at that, and Aleks only felt slightly guilty at alluding to his druggie of a father but he had to get through somehow. 

 

He squeezed his arms gently, silently willing him to relax again, sighing softly as James kept his head down. “No more, alright? You’re better than this. You’ve got a crew to run, yeah?” James was silent for a moment, staring at the ground before nodding his head slowly, sniffling a bit and Aleks lifted a hand up, reaching over to his face and brushing a lock of hair behind his ear, chewing on his lip. “You don’t need heroin to make things better...I’m here to help you.” 

 

James lifted his face at that, and Aleks felt his breath leave his lungs once more at the sight of his brown eyes shiny with tears, threatening to overflow onto his still flushed cheeks. He immediately reached over with both hands, running a thumb delicately across the bottoms of his eyes and shaking his head quickly, shushing him gently. 

 

“None of that, you don’t need to cry. You’re still here, yeah? You can always be helped, you’re not too far gone. We’ll do this together, okay?” James sniffled at that, squeezing his eyes shut and tilting his head back down before he dropped it into Aleks’ shoulder, whimpering softly before he started to cry, pitiful gasping sobs that made Aleks’ heart ache and his own eyes begin to sting. 

 

He wrapped James up in his arms that night, holding him close until he’d fallen asleep on his chest, drooling slightly onto his shirt as he slept off his high. Aleks laid there all night, one hand tangled in his curls and the other rubbing up and down on his back, wondering idly where exactly things had gotten so bad that James had decided to start using heroin full time. 

 

There was guilt there then, but not a lot. Aleks really couldn’t pinpoint the factor that had James reaching for the needle as often as he did; he didn’t have a reason to blame himself. 

 

James detoxed for exactly 3 weeks; it was rough at first, but once he made it the first few days things seemed okay again. Albeit a more tired, Aleks would take that over a drugged up James any day of the week. 

 

And then the Bernardino mission came.

 

In theory, it was foolproof; much like the other countless ones they’d done just like it. They had a medium sized bank in mind to rob, minor security and a system that wasn’t an issue to either Lindsey or Anna to hack into. Things had been slow for awhile, and James had figured this was just the thing they needed at the moment, which Aleks had agreed with. He’d never been one to saying no to a heist, anyway. 

 

When the day came, everyone was ready and prepared. They left early that morning, Aleks riding in the back of the van with James’ fingers intertwined in his own, the two of them already in their masks and ready to go. Everyone chatted quietly, the early morning sun beginning to stream through their windows as they approached the building. 

 

The plan was foolproof; apparently, Aleks was not. 

 

One wrong move inside had resulted in a guard seeing them at the last minute, and before he could do anything Aleks was on the ground, screaming at the top of his lungs with a bullet in his upper arm. 

 

They were forced to flee, James frantically yelling at them to go as Brett scooped Aleks up, his entire body bouncing slightly as he ran back to the van, Aleks still crying in pain with his arms curled up on his chest in a poor attempt to stop the bleeding. 

 

The ride home was a blur; frankly, he couldn’t remember much between getting shot and waking up on the living room couch hours later, his entire body aching and his right bicep throbbing painfully, wrapped up in white gauze and tape. 

 

It wasn’t bad; Lindsey had been able to get the bullet out and stopped the bleeding fairly quickly, giving him morphine to numb the arm and knock him out as soon as they’d gotten home. When he awoke she was right by his side, in the middle of checking him for a fever with her hand on his face and she sighed in relief, sitting down on the floor of the living room and smiling a bit. 

 

“Hey sleepy,” she said quietly, and Aleks heard the sound of various footsteps approaching the couch, accompanied by more sighs and soft whispers of thanks to God. 

 

He managed a small smile at that, his eyelids still heavy as he slowly turned his head, glancing around the room with squinted eyes to see everyone gazing over him.

 

All but one.

 

“Where’s James?” Lindsey’s face seemed to fall slightly at that, raising her hands to fidget nervously with her hair, tucking some behind her ear. 

 

“Upstairs, I think. He was scared when we got back, saw you bleeding a lot…” Her voice trailed off and Aleks pursed his lips a bit, scanning her face briefly before he heard the all too familiar heavy footsteps of his boyfriend as they ascended down the stairs, approaching the hallway with ease before speaking slowly, almost sickeningly sweet. 

 

“Can I have a few minutes alone with him?” 

 

There was a beat of silence then, the tension in the room palpable as everyone began to filter out. Aleks watched them all duck their heads, avoiding the gaze of him or James, who was staring Aleks down from across the living room. 

 

Aleks let his eyes wander a bit, watching as the last of his friends left the room to climb up the stairs, their feet making the wooden steps creak slightly. He shifted slowly in his spot, wincing audibly as he struggled to push himself up a bit, noting the way James didn’t move once or make any effort to help. 

 

He had his arms crossed over his chest, his gaze never wavering even as everyone walked past him to leave, all of them begging in their own silent ways for James to just look at them, to calm down. 

 

Aleks kept his mouth shut, wound throbbing horribly as James slowly dropped his arms, taking a couple slow steps over so that he was in the threshold of the living room now instead of the foyer. He stared at Aleks for a moment more, furrowing his eyebrow thoughtfully as he tilted his head to the side a bit, frowning at him. 

 

“Really, Aleks?” 

 

Aleks blinked slowly at that, his condescending tone feeling like a punch in the gut. He opened his mouth to speak but then shut it again, struggling to process the way James was nearly glaring at him now, visibly angry and upset. 

 

“I’m sorry...what?” Aleks managed out, raising an eyebrow as James stood up taller at that, huffing in a breath. “I get shot and you pull that shit on me?” 

 

James let out an angry sigh, reaching up and rubbing at his eyes with his palms. “For God’s sake Aleksandr, you shouldn’t have been shot in the first place!” he snapped loudly, Aleks feeling his blood beginning to boil. “You checked the whole area, huh? Didn’t see any other fucking guard in the room, huh?” His tone was high pitched and bitter and mimicking and Aleks gritted his teeth, glaring daggers back at his boyfriend. 

 

“You’re a goddamn asshole,” he spat, getting a dry laugh out of James as he rolled his eyes and shook his head, crossing his arms angrily over his chest again and turning away as Aleks sat up more, voice rising. “What the fuck makes you think that you can just talk to me like that?” 

 

James turned on his heel then, looking back to Aleks with his eyebrows raised and a look of disbelief on his face. It was dramatic and almost comical, but Aleks could hear nothing but his own blood pumping loudly through his ears as James took a step forward, leaning towards him almost menacingly. 

 

“Guess what, Aleks?” he breathed darkly, inches away from his face as Aleks kept gritting his teeth. “I’m the fucking boss here. I run this crew, and no one else. I can talk to you however I want.” 

 

Aleks reached forward and shoved aggressively at his chest, sending him stumbling backwards as he stood up from the couch, ignoring the way he could feel blood beginning to seep through the gauze on his arm. 

 

“FUCK YOU!” he screamed, resisting the urge to reach forward and grab ahold of James’ throat with his hands. “What the fuck is wrong with you?!” James’ eyes were still narrowed, glaring angrily back at Aleks as he straightened himself up again, tilting his head down slightly. 

 

“Oh, I don’t know,” he teased aggressively, Aleks clenching and unclenching his hands at his sides as James spoke. “Maybe it’s because I’m going through fucking withdrawals and YOU’RE NOT MAKING IT ANY BETTER!” 

 

Aleks’ hand was smacking James right across the face before he could stop it, shaking badly as he brought it back down to his side as James stood there in shock, face still tilted from where he’d hit so hard. 

 

“You son of a bitch,” Aleks whispered furiously, shaking his head quickly as James lifted his face again, blinking in shock. “You are not going to put that on me, understand?!” James didn’t respond, instead raising a hand to his now red cheek, rubbing at it slowly as he continued to glare at Aleks through dark brown eyes. 

 

“I wasn’t the one that put the fucking needle in your arm, James! That’s all on you!” James dropped his hand at that, opening his mouth to retort but Aleks cut him off again, voice growing louder as he did. 

 

“You wanna talk about someone being weak?!” he yelled angrily, raising a finger up to point at James, palm still stinging slightly. “YOU’RE the one that got one hit of a fucking drug and it RUINED you! Took over your entire goddamn life and you just LET IT!” His voice echoed throughout the other rooms in the house, a dark sort of silence filling the air as he paused to breathe in between screams, his frustration rising.

 

“You wanna act all tough and big, yeah? Wanna act like you’re so fucking above me when the sheer mention of heroin will send you running to the FUCKING HILLS!” Aleks paused then, feeling his chest rising and falling as he tried to catch his breath again, throat stinging slightly. James was silent, his face twisted into something that resembled both pure anger and frustration. Aleks breathed heavily through his nose, hands still clenched into fists at his sides as James shook his head a bit, finally averting his eyes before turning on his heel, stalking back towards the foyer. 

 

“Go fuck yourself,” he spat icily, reaching over and yanking his jacket off of the banister it had been hanging on before reaching for his keys on the front counter. 

 

Aleks laughed hollowly, the sound almost eerie in the tense silence that had fallen within the house. “Just like you. Running away from your fucking problems yet again. Doesn’t that get old?” he sneered, and James just angrily yanked his jacket on in response, face still facing him as he did. 

 

“I don’t want to be anywhere fucking near you, you goddamn prick,” he growled, and Aleks watched as he shoved his keys into his pocket, opening the front door with the other hand. Aleks gritted his teeth once more, feeling blood still dripping down the side of his arm as he watched James begin to leave, stepping into the snow outside. 

 

“Feeling’s mutual. If you’re smart, you won’t bother coming back for awhile.” James merely slammed the door behind him in response, the force seeming to shake the entire foundation of the house as he did. Aleks stood there in silence, his entire body feeling like it was shaking with anger as he listened to James’ car leave the driveway, speeding off probably way too quickly for his liking but he couldn’t find it in him to even care. 

 

James didn’t come back for 3 days. 

 

Aleks didn’t care the first day; his arm was in too much pain to focus on anything else, really, and the thought of seeing James’ face again made his blood boil. 

 

The second day, Aleks sent him a text asking where he was, nothing more than that. He never got a response back, and he felt weird the rest of the night. 

 

The third day, the guilt had finally begun to set in and Aleks couldn’t help but replay the awful things he had said in his head, his palm stinging from the way he’d slapped him so hard. 

 

He was frustrated; that wasn’t a secret. He didn’t understand how James could sit there and try and put the blame on him for something he had absolutely no part in. Aleks hadn’t been the one to stick the needle in his arm, hadn’t even suggested he try it in the first place. Heroin did nothing but ruin people; if he had just been sober enough, he might’ve had the decency to knock the shit right out of his hand. 

 

But he hadn’t. He hadn’t said a damn thing, and maybe that’s why Aleks felt physically sick with guilt when James finally came home late in the evening on the third day. 

 

He hadn’t been able to sleep; the bed felt too big and too empty without James’ warm body at his side. He’d taken refuge on the couch downstairs for the day, anxiously fidgeting with the now frayed ends of his blanket while the television droned endlessly on some boring channel he hadn’t bothered to change all afternoon. 

 

He heard the jiggling of the knob first, accompanied by an abrupt stop as whoever was outside stopped trying to open it, and then Aleks hard the familiar jingling of keys. He sucked in a breath, his entire body on edge at the sheer prospect of seeing him walk through the door after 3 days, everyone else who possibly had access to the house already upstairs and probably fast asleep. 

 

The door swung open slowly, the usual creaking noise loud and obnoxious and he heard James groan a bit at that, heavy footsteps walking inside as Aleks watched his silhouette close the door behind him, turning his head before catching Aleks’ form in the living room, jumping a bit. 

 

“Jesus, dude…” he muttered out, setting his keys down slowly onto the front table. Aleks couldn’t see his face, still dark in the lack of lighting in the foyer, the living room bathed in a staticky sort of bluish glow as he stood up from the couch, feeling the frown that had already begin to appear on his lips. 

 

James didn’t move, staying put in his spot on the dirty tile floor as Aleks stepped forward carefully, his heart beating unevenly in his chest. Part of him didn’t even want to turn the lights on. 

 

“Where have you been?” His voice was soft; Aleks felt everything he’d been bottling in the last 3 days threaten to come spilling out as he spoke, swallowing thickly as his voice faltered off. He was standing in front of James now, arms crossed over his chest with no other purpose than to make himself feel okay for a moment, his stomach churning as he awaited his answer. 

 

James was silent for a moment, and even in the dark Aleks could tell he was avoiding his eyes, his head tilted downward slightly towards the tile before he gave a slight shrug. 

 

“Not far,” he said slowly, carefully. Aleks felt even sicker now, the realization hitting him harder than any gunshot wound he could ever and would ever receive. He chewed on his bottom lip carefully, waiting in silence as James struggled to find more words for him. “But I’m home now. That’s all that matters.” 

 

The slurring got worse; he seemed to have realized he’d blown his cover because he shut his mouth almost immediately, stiffening up a bit in his spot as Aleks inhaled a slow breath, his heart seeming to shatter into a thousand pieces within his chest. 

 

There was silence then, an eerie sort of one that seemed to fill the entire space they were in, making Aleks grow more and more anxious by the second. He scratched his chin slowly, staring at a spot on the ground behind James for a moment before reaching over and flipping on the light switch before he could change his mind. 

 

He looked awful. In the past 3 days alone James seemed to have aged 10 years, the usual circles beneath his eyes even bigger and darker. His hair was shoved up into a messy bun that didn’t seem to have been touched since he’d stormed out the other night, his cheeks sunken in and skin a sallow, paler color than usual. His clothes looked bigger, threatening to swallow him whole and he didn’t have that sense about him anymore, that usual glowing warmth that Aleks had associated with his boyfriend for so many years. 

 

In all honestly, James looked like he was dead, and Aleks knew exactly who the killer was from the way his sleeve on his left arm was slightly hiked up, a fresh new track mark burning red on his sickly looking skin. 

 

James didn’t match his gaze, instead glancing towards the T.V. as if he were interested in what was playing. His words had been slurring so badly that there was no point in trying to lie about it; he’d been too fucking high to even remember to pull the sleeve of his jacket down. Aleks could see the way his eyes were unfocused, glassy, pupils as small as pinpoints again. 

 

Aleks let out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding in, letting it flow slowly across his lips as his shoulders slumped forward slightly. James still didn’t move, staring off into space and Aleks couldn’t tell if he was still blatantly ignoring him or if he was too far gone to even realize what was happening. 

 

“James...I’m so sorry…” His own voice sounded pitiful and sad and he felt his palm sting as he remembered slapping him across the face just days prior. “God, I should’ve never hit you, that was so fucked up and all the things I said, I don’t know what I was thinking…” 

 

James finally looked up at that, those big brown eyes meeting Aleks’ own and making his words fall flat, stopping abruptly in his mouth as James frowned at him, shaking his head slowly. 

 

“Don’t be. What you said was true, you know.” His words sounded like they hurt falling off his tongue, dripping like acid into the space between them and Aleks was stuck in a shocked silence, staring at him idly as he continued to reply. 

 

“It’s just…” He threw his arms up at that, holding his palms up on either side of his body in a drunken sort of stance, swaying slightly on his feet as he did. “...it is what it is.” 

 

He lowered his hands again, Aleks still fighting to comprehend all of this before James turned his head to glance up the stairs, blinking slowly at it. “I’m gonna take a shower...sleep for a couple days, I think…” 

 

Aleks felt like he was about to shrivel up and die right then and there, on the grimy tile floor of the foyer of their house while he watched James struggle to walk up the stairs, hands gripping the railing so tightly that his knuckles were white. He couldn’t do anything but stare, his body feeling frozen in place as James stumbled his way up, palms catching his fall more than once before he finally made it up, heavy footsteps disappearing down the hallway towards their bedroom. 

 

James never stopped using after that day, and Aleks never tried to stop him. How could he? He didn’t have the right to. He had put the gun in his mouth, and Aleks had been the one to pull the trigger for him. There was no coming back from that. 

 

The nights were the worst. His once favorite part of the day he now dreaded with knots in his stomach, covering himself with blankets before James could come in in the hopes that he’d walk out of the bathroom after shooting up and leave him alone, just go to sleep. 

 

Sometimes it worked; most of the time it didn’t. Aleks found himself more often than not sitting on his side of the bed, with his mouth shut and fingers fidgeting with the edge of their comforter on his lap as James climbed into bed beside him, humming contentedly as he curled up beneath the sheets. 

 

If he wanted sex, Aleks gave it to him. If he wanted to hold him, Aleks let him. If he wanted to yell at him, Aleks took it. This routine took over until it was normal, and Aleks never said a word to James about anything. It was just easier to stay silent and guilty than try and apologize for ruining his entire life and knowing he’d never be able to find the words to say it. 

 

James was never one to talk after shooting up, and whenever he did it was usually just him asking Aleks for something or getting an insult in before he passed out, nothing close to a conversation. 

 

Some nights...some nights were different, though. 

 

There was one in particular that he remembered vividly.  

 

Aleks watched him come in in his usual fashion, hair down and shirt off with nothing but shorts on, a blissed out sort of smile on his face as he rounded the bed and crawled onto his side, humming contentedly into his pillow as he laid on his stomach. 

 

Aleks kept quiet, messing with his thumbnail in his lap before James lifted his face up, turning to face Aleks and blinking at him with hazy dark eyes and speaking slowly. 

 

“Do you love me?” 

 

The question was innocent enough; Aleks had heard it plenty of times before, from plenty of different people but the only one that had ever mattered was James. 

 

Aleks stared at him for a moment, gazing at his profile that still looked so goddamn beautiful in the dim bedroom lighting, feeling the way his body was curled up against his side, heat reverberating off of him in waves that made Aleks feel safe. 

 

“You know I do, baby,” he responded simply, watching the way James seemed to take a minute to process this. His eyelids were heavy, struggling to stay open as the drugs began to take their course, heroin coursing through his veins and taking its usual reign over his boyfriend’s body. 

 

Aleks waited silently, keeping his thoughts to himself as James closed his eyes for a second, swallowing slowly and letting his Adam’s Apple bob within his throat before opening them again, licking his lips before continuing. 

 

“Do you love me...even when I’m like this?” His words were slurred and fell from his lips slower than molasses, tripping against his mouth like a clumsy baby just learning how to walk. Aleks felt his chest ache painfully at the question, his heart rate speeding up slightly as James watched him almost blankly, the glazed look in his eyes beginning to take over once more. 

 

He didn’t. That was the honest to God truth. 

 

Aleks didn’t love James when he was like this because it wasn’t his James, it wasn’t James at all. He could never love this, never love him when he was full of the thing that hijacked his body and made him violent, made him angry and loud and hurtful and dangerous to be around. 

 

He could never love this broken frame of a person that was always dripping tears, was always crying to Aleks in that God awful pitiful tone that made him nauseous and grabbed at his body with hands that felt like what his nightmares were made of, clammy and cold and trembling with the effort of staying alive. 

 

Aleks inhaled slowly through his nose, watching as James swayed slightly in his spot on the bed, rolling onto his back so that he was facing the ceiling again, eyes still shut and his breathing still slow and uneven. 

 

“Honestly? Not really, no.” The words sounded almost lost in the dark room and came out weaker than he’d anticipated but still, he had said them. They tasted sour coming from his mouth but that was okay, that was expected. 

 

James didn’t react for a moment, head still facing upward as he slowly opened his eyes, long lashes fluttering as he blinked a few times. He turned his head towards Aleks, his long hair falling from his bare shoulders and onto the pillow as he did, his naked chest covered with the dingy comforter they’d been sharing for awhile now. 

 

It was those damn eyes that got to Aleks, the beautiful brown ones with the narrowed pupils and way of seeing right through Aleks’ fucking facade, unable to hide anything and everything from the man whose name sent shivers down people’s spines whenever they heard it. 

 

“But you do.” His words were still slow but much less slurred now, and Aleks felt his stomach churn nervously at the way James was staring at him now, fighting to keep his eyes open yet still keeping Aleks frozen in place. 

 

“You’ve been in love with me since the day I fucking found you,” he drawled, raising a shaky hand up and using his index finger to point directly at Aleks’ face, dropping his arm after a few seconds. “You’d be dead if it wasn’t for me and I have you wrapped so fucking tightly around my finger it’s not even funny.” His tone wasn’t menacing so much as it was...entertained, almost. There was a hint of disbelief to his voice that Aleks could hear clear as day, saying the things he didn’t want to hear out loud in secret. 

 

_ ‘You really think I believe that? You think I don’t know that you’d go to the ends of the earth for me and then jump off the edge? You want me to believe that you don’t physically hurt at the thought of me dying and leaving your sorry ass behind in this world to fend for yourself? There is no “we” in this. It’s me and you following me behind, always two steps too late and stumbling to keep up. _

 

_ Love has blinded you, Aleksandr.’  _

 

He must’ve fallen silent, his mind running a mile a minute because he snapped out of it as soon as he saw James smirk in content, closing his eyes yet again as he rested his head against the pillow. 

 

“You’re mine for the long run,” he slurred into the fabric, already tilting his face towards the cold pillowcase as the blackout began to hit him. “You know I love you, right baby?” 

 

And Aleks wanted to disappear right then and there, just evaporate into thin air or maybe melt into the mattress, seep through the layers and land on the floor of this shitty house they were in, on the run from shitty cops for the shitty things they spent their lives doing. 

 

He did it all for James, and James knew that. He was right; Aleks would die for him on any day of the week. 

 

James lifted his head up after a minute, giving Aleks a hazy, questioning look that came off more menacing than anything before Aleks began to nod slowly, swallowing thickly. 

 

“I know,” he answered, trying his best to hide the uncertainty in his voice but it didn’t matter anyway, James had heard what he wanted. Aleks watched him give an attempted smile in return, well on his way to passing out already as he let his head collide back with the pillow, turning on his other side with his blanket falling so that his bare back was exposed, the muscles in his shoulders rippling with all the movements he made. 

 

“That’s right…” he mumbled out, and Aleks could picture the way he was drooling now, unable to control his mouth at all as he spoke into his pillow. “That’s my baby…” His voice faded out slowly, and before Aleks knew it he heard the familiar sound of James sleeping, his breathing soft and shallow as the heroin finally took him out. 

 

He sat there in silence for what felt like hours, his entire body feeling on edge and almost tingling at his words, hands shaking slightly against the blanket in his lap. He turned his face to glance at him again, feeling his chest tighten up at the sight of his face smushed up against the mattress, snoring lightly into the pillow and he wondered, for what was probably the thousandth time in less than a year, where it had all gone wrong. 

 

The first time James overdoses, Aleks really thinks he’s going to die.

 

It happened during one of their “dates nights” as James had so named them, also known as secluding himself from the rest of the crew during his worst evenings and dragging Aleks along with him for the ride.

 

Aleks drove them in silence that night, keeping his face turned forward as James sat in the passenger seat beside him, tying together a tourniquet fashioned from an old piece of fabric he’d stashed in Aleks’ car onto his arm, pressing his skinny fingers into his skin to find a vein as he barked directions to a park at his boyfriend at the same time. 

 

“Come on, you gotta hurry...this dealer isn’t going to wait for us, and I’m completely out if I don’t get some tonight.” Aleks let his eyes flicker down just in time to see James shove the needle into his arm, instantly bleeding from the impact and looked away just as quickly, his stomach heaving as he kept his eyes on the road and sped up slightly. 

 

He didn’t often come with James during his dealings but when he did, he never made an effort to pay attention. James would get out of the car and tell him to stay inside and he did just that. He wasn’t sure if the knowledge of knowing who was ruining his boyfriend’s life was of any importance to him; Aleks would probably end up killing them and James would get upset and then find someone else to sell him heroin. 

 

James was visibly pleased during this particular exchange; he came back into the car with a dopey smile on his face and sat down quickly, shutting the door behind him. 

 

“Gave me a little extra tonight; had a larger shipment than he’d expected that came in.” Aleks hummed absently at that, James taking no notice as he pulled out a tiny baggie from his pocket, full of a coarse white powder that Aleks recognized all too well. “Even threw this in here for me.”

 

Aleks frowned deeply, watching in concern as James opened it carefully, dipping his pinky finger inside and scooping up some of the cocaine with his nail, holding it up with slightly shaky movement. “Want a hit?   
  


All Aleks could do was shake his head slowly, watching in horror as James snorted the substance up his nose with ease, sighing in relief and closing his eyes as Aleks’ mouth fell open slightly, glancing down at the bag. 

 

“Why don’t we slow it down tonight, James…” He reached forward tentatively, fingertips reaching out to make contact with his hand and James jumped at that, immediately jerking his hand back towards his pocket. 

 

“Okay, okay...” he said breathlessly, shoving the drugs away before he opened his eyes slowly, the effects already beginning to take place on his face. Aleks felt sick again, falling silent once more as James tilted his head to the side slightly to gaze at him, a dreamy sort of smile appearing on his lips as he did. 

 

“We haven’t made out in the car in a long time...come on, let’s do it again, like old times, hm?” Aleks gave an audible sigh, shoulders slumping slightly as James began to tilt his head down anyway, not even bothering to wait for an answer. 

 

“I don’t know, baby…” Aleks replied softly, his voice trailing off as James hummed against the skin on his neck, beginning to press labored kisses onto it. “It’s been a long day…”

 

James’ mouth was rough and harsh; Aleks winced at the feeling of his beard scratching against his neck and jawline, tilting his head away quickly so that his pale skin was exposed. 

 

“James…” he murmured out, the euphoric feeling of his boyfriend’s lips on his body drowning out any of the urgency that had been swelling up in his voice. James showed no sign of hearing him, his large hands already pushing Aleks down towards the backseat, his shoulders hitting the leather with a dull thud. 

 

His head bounced slightly, making him blink at the sudden movement and Aleks opened his eyes a bit wider, shifting his legs slightly as they found her way onto the seat, his knees bent slightly to accomodate for the shorter length.

 

“James,” he repeated again, only to be interrupted by his own gasp that came from his mouth, eyes widening as James slid his free hand down to Aleks’ thighs, thumb running so lightly against the inner fabric of his jeans that it made him shudder before he gently pushed his legs apart, Aleks’ foot falling limply onto the car floor to his left. 

 

Aleks let out a slow breath, letting it flow past his lips shakily as he leaned his head back, neck arching slightly against the leather behind him. James had still not made eye contact, his mind seeming to struggling to focus on a million other things all at once. His movements were rough, his hands seeming to tremble slightly as he lifted his other hand from his shoulder, sitting up on his knees as he reached behind him to yank his jacket off. 

 

Aleks took a moment to prop himself up on his elbows, lifting his back from the seat slightly as he did, shifting his legs as he watched James carefully. 

 

“Baby, you’re high out of your mind...why don’t we go home and lay down, yeah?” he began slowly, watching as James huffed at that, tossing his jacket into the front seat before running a hand over his head, smoothing down the flyaway curls that were beginning to pop up from all the movement. 

 

“I’m fine,” he replied, his voice slurring slightly and Aleks felt his chest ache at that, chewing absentmindedly on his lip for a moment. 

 

“James, come on. We’re a few minutes away, let me drive us home and we can lay down and you can sleep this off…” He sat up higher, reaching out to cup James’ flushed red cheeks, running his thumb along the soft skin of his face, near the permanent dark circles that hadn’t left his eyes in what felt like years. 

 

He wasn’t even looking at Aleks, his brown eyes glazed over and staring off over his shoulder like something had caught his eye, his eyelids heavy with the countless nights of sleep he hadn’t gotten. 

 

He swayed slightly in front of Aleks, and Aleks quickly slid his hands down from his face to steady him. 

 

“James? Can you even hear me?” James closed his eyes then, tilting his head down slightly so that his bun was sticking up, loose curls and all emitting from it like some sort of messy firework. His shoulders rose and fell unsteadily, his breathing sounding more labored than normal and Aleks swallowed back a sigh, lifting one of his hands from his shoulder to press two of his fingers against James’ neck, his skin warm to the touch as he felt for his pulse; erratic and unstable. 

 

“Alright, we’re going home. No more for you tonight, understand?” James’ head was still down, and Aleks could see his long eyelashes curling slightly, making their presence known even in the dim lighting of this car. 

 

Aleks fought back the urge to roll his eyes, shaking his head slightly as he still received no response before sitting up entirely, shifting around in the seat while still keeping a grip on James’ shoulder with one hand. 

 

He was tired of this; he was tired of the way James wasn’t here and he was just talking to the drugs instead, kissing the drugs, holding the drugs in bed at night, carrying around this empty shell of James that had been taken over and the man he’d fallen in love with so long ago was nowhere to be found. 

 

He finished sitting up and moved to get out of the car and get in the front seat, his pale hand grasping onto the door handle before James was taking him down again, pulling his legs towards him in one swift move and knocking Aleks back onto the seat, getting a loud gasp from his mouth. 

 

“James!” he snapped quickly, reaching down and pushing angrily on his chest with his free hand, his eyes widening slightly. “I said stop, alright?!” 

 

But James wasn’t listening; James hadn’t been listening for a long time. The hands that were pinning Aleks down were not his own; it was all heroin and alcohol and all of the drugs he’d pumped into his system within the last few days, their winding tendrils binding themselves to the man he’d fallen in love with so long ago, the one with the bright eyes and huge smile and dimples that made Aleks’ heart flutter like a kid in high school with their first crush. 

 

James’ eyes were dangerously close to falling shut; the effort to keep them open was obvious and Aleks struggled to squirm out from beneath his surprisingly strong grasp, jerking his head to the side and looking away as James messily dipped down to kiss him.

 

“Stop it, goddammit!” Aleks jerked his knee up to make contact with his stomach and James groaned painfully at that, ceasing his grip just enough for Aleks to slip out from beneath him and push the car door open, throwing himself out and leaving James in the backseat, panting heavily. 

 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Outside was cold, the parking lot empty of other vehicles and Aleks couldn’t hear anything but the occasional sirens and screeching tires that always accompanied Los Santos at night. He felt dirty, James’ phantom touches still burning his skin and Aleks shivered slightly, trying to forget the way his lips had felt against his neck just seconds before. 

 

James still wasn’t speaking; Aleks wasn’t surprised, really, but this was unlike him. Aleks had always managed to get the upper hand at some point; James had never gone so far as to start ignoring Aleks entirely, let alone his pleas for help and begging him to stop. 

 

There was a moment then, a moment that Aleks’ brain seemed to stop for a moment and take a step back, look at the big picture that was James for just a second. 

 

‘You might’ve lost him, Aleks. I think the drugs finally took him over.’ 

 

And Aleks refused to listen, vowed to lock that stupid fucking voice in the back of his head away forever because they were wrong, there was no way that the drugs had won because this was James they were talking about. 

 

James Wilson, the man with the perfect shot and big smile and cool head who’d never let his crew down during a heist and never would, the one whose name could send grown men into cowering silence. 

 

James Wilson, the man with the gentle touches and soft voice he only saved for Aleks, the one who refused to sleep unless he had his arms around his boyfriend and his face in his neck. 

 

James Wilson, the man who was now overdosing in front of Aleks’ eyes, the one with his face down into the leather seat and his back no longer moving with the rhythm that came with his breathing.

 

It took Aleks approximately 5 seconds to realize what was happening before he was throwing himself forward again, falling onto his knees on the hard gravel of the lot they were in, words escaping his lips faster than he knew what to do with. 

 

“No no no no no…” he sputtered out, hands shaking as he pulled James’ face up, his stomach churning as he saw his closed eyes, mouth agape, drool pouring from the corner of his paled lips. “James?! Wake up, you idiot!” 

 

Aleks stood up and quickly pushed his body up, palms pressed against his shoulders as he forced the larger man to sit up, pushing his back against the car seats as the shaking got worse. 

 

“Come on, just fucking wake up…” James’ head was limp, hanging awkwardly to the side as Aleks shook his shoulders roughly, watching it bobble a few times before falling again, this time forward so that his chin was resting against his chest. Aleks raised his fingers to his neck again, pressing them into the side of his neck and felt a very faint, very slow pulse greet him in return. 

 

“JAMES!” The adrenaline seemed to kick in at the same time as his tears, and before Aleks knew it he had leapt into the front seat and started the car, pressing the gas before James’ body even had time to fall back down against the leather seating. Aleks somehow managed to get out his phone and dial Brett’s number through the tears, keeping one hand on the wheel as he floored the gas, his breathing uneven and sporadic as he struggled to see through watery eyes. 

 

“Aleks?” Brett’s voice was sleepy on the other end of the line. “What’s going on, it’s 2 in the m-“ 

 

“He overdosed,” Aleks cut him off quickly, his voice betraying the way he’d so desperately tried to hide his emotions. “James, he’s barely breathing and he passed out and I can’t wake him up…” 

 

The stoplight in front of him turned red and Aleks couldn’t find it in himself to care and kept driving, sniffling loudly as he turned his head to glance at James behind him. 

 

He’d ended up on his back, his mouth still open and eyes still shut, hair a tangled mess on top of his head as he struggled to breathe, one arm hanging over the edge and towards the floorboard and the other draped over his stomach. His head bobbed with every bump in the road Aleks hit, yet he showed no sign of waking up or becoming conscious again, and the nauseating feeling that had seemed to be plaguing Aleks all day got substantially worse. 

 

“I’m taking him to a hospital, I don’t care how fucking dangerous it is.” He could almost hear Brett’s disdain just by the breath he took but Aleks cut him off anyway. “He’s going to fucking die in the next few minutes if I don’t get him to a doctor, do you understand that?!” Aleks took a sharp turn, catching the bright light of a hospital sign in the distance, blinking past more tears. 

 

“I don’t care how in trouble this gets me. If he dies, I’m going with him.” 

 

Aleks hung up before Brett could even breathe in response, tossing the phone down into the passenger seat before he sped up to the hospital entrance, barely taking time to put the car in park before he was leaping out and throwing open the back door, calling out loudly for help as he slipped his arms beneath James’ own, curling them around his shoulders and dragging him out of the back. 

 

Aleks really didn’t have to say much for the staff to catch on; two rough looking, exhausted, tattooed men showing up to an ER at 2 in the morning, one of them crying while the other was dragged helplessly behind. They managed to get a gurney out to the car before Aleks had him completely out, avoiding dropping James’ body onto the pavement that was now growing wet from the rain that had steadily begun to pour within the last few minutes that Aleks hadn’t noticed until now. 

 

Aleks refused to get go, his hand slipping down to intertwine his fingers with James’ own and squeezed tight, as if the action would somehow wake James up again. He already looked dead, his face sallow and unmoving even as rainwater drenched him from above, droplets bouncing from his sallow skin with a rhythm that make Aleks feel uneasy. 

 

“James?” He could feel everyone’s eyes on him, doctors watching his every move as he jogged alongside the bed with them, staring at James’ unresponsive face, digging his fingernails into the top of James’ hand. “Baby, wake up for me. Please, I need you to open your eyes…” 

 

They reached the inside and Aleks could sense the way everyone was about to kick him out, felt the way they slowed down slightly in their running and he just held on tighter, refusing to break his gaze from James’ face, swallowing thickly as he pulled his hand closer to his chest, not sure why but knowing that he wanted him as close to his heart as possible. 

 

They reached the end of the hallway and Aleks could sense the presence of large double doors that were about to separate the two of them. They slowed down dramatically, and Aleks braced himself to start arguing with whoever felt like coming after him when a loud gasp cut him off, and James’ eyes flew open. 

 

There was a split second where Aleks allowed himself to feel relief, just because James was awake again. His big brown eyes were widened in shock, blinking a few times as he inhaled another large breath through his mouth, chest rising and falling almost painfully as he glanced around quickly, eyes darting but never meeting Aleks’. 

 

Aleks saw him jerk his hand towards his back, fingers already curling around the gun he knew was hidden away beneath the waistband of his jeans and he quickly snapped back to reality, leaping forward and grabbing his arm. 

 

“James! Baby, look at me, look at me!” he urged loudly, his voice loud and assertive in an attempt to distract James from what was happening. Those big eyes finally met Aleks’ own, staring almost blankly at him from the bed and Aleks finally realized James’ grip on his hand was almost painful, his fingernails digging into Aleks’ tattooed skin like his life depended on it. 

 

“Hey, you’re okay, you’re alright. I’m right here, yeah? You don’t need to do that…” Aleks silently berated himself for not grabbing the fucking pistol from his back in the car, trying to silently communicate to James that ‘you can’t do that, not here, not right now.’ 

 

James blinked again, something in his eyes seeming to register despite the way they were still glazed over. Aleks watched as he let his eyes wander around slowly, and silently thanked God that none of the doctors had attempted to rush him yet. His breathing was uneven and heavy, pupils shrunk and Aleks felt his grip on his hand began to loosen slightly. 

 

Aleks held his breath for a moment, swallowing down some more fear that tasted like bile as James seemed to register what was going on, the dimly lit hallway of the hospital making itself known in his mind. 

 

“You overdosed.” Aleks’ head snapped up at the sound of a doctor breaking the silence, a young one at that. He was tall and not bad looking, his eyes stern but voice gentle. Aleks felt his heart begin to sink as James turned his head to stare at him, reading his face even through the heroin induced haze that had clouded his features. 

 

“You came pretty close to dying...your friend got you here just in time.” Aleks was silently pleading with James now, hoping that somehow he’d be able to hear him screaming in his head, the silence in the room almost deafening. 

 

_ ‘He just wants to help you, let him help. He’s gonna make you feel better. Don’t do anything stupid, James.’  _

 

Aleks watched with his breath held as the doctor raised his hands up delicately, holding them on either side of his head and nodded his head once, urging the rest of the nurses and medics to do the same until it was just the two of them clinging onto each other’s hand, James’ grip on Aleks still tense as ever. 

 

“Tell them to back up.” James’ once slurred voice was rock steady now, and Aleks repressed the urge to shiver uncomfortably at how dark it sounded. The doctor didn’t flinch, instead looking around and obeying his order, calming asking them to move. 

 

Aleks chewed on the inside of his cheek, pale fingers still wrapped around James’ hand and wrist as he pressed the other one over the man’s knuckles, his thumb running steadily against his tanned skin. 

 

James didn’t seem to acknowledge Aleks’ uneasiness, instead still staring intently at the doctor who’d broken the silence. Aleks could still feel his erratic heartbeat, could see the way his chest rose and fell unevenly like a rogue drummer from the corner of his eye. 

 

Aleks kept quiet, watching silently as James finally allowed his eyes to move, big and brown and shiny with tears that he wasn’t sure were supposed to be there at all. He said nothing, instead watching as James seemed to silently debate with himself for a moment before opening his lips, pale and no longer the beautiful pink color that had once illuminated his dreams. 

 

“I don’t feel good.” And when his voice cracked Aleks swore he’d never felt so much pain in his life. He’d rather take a million gunshot wounds, decorating him with bullet holes like Swiss cheese than have to listen to James speak like he was holding back tears that had been collecting for years. 

 

Aleks swallowed thickly in response, chewing on his lip as he shifted his feet slightly, letting go of James’ arm with one of his hands before lowering it down slowly towards his face, letting his thumb brush against the flushed skin of his cheek for a moment. 

 

“I know, baby…” he murmured softly, tilting his head to the side as James closed his eyes, face relaxing slightly. “Let them take care of you, okay? They’re gonna make you feel better, get all the drugs out of you…” 

 

James grimaced at that, and Aleks watched his face contort painfully, furrowing his brows for a moment before he opened his eyes again, staring up at Aleks through his lashes. 

 

“All of them?” he questioned slowly, and Aleks felt his jaw lock angrily, gritting his teeth behind his closed mouth for a second before he nodded once. 

 

“Yes. All of them.” James’ glazed over eyes simply stared at him in return, and Aleks wondered vaguely if anything he was saying was even registering with the man at all. Aleks lifted his head and glanced at the doctor, the two meeting eyes for only a moment before Aleks was letting go of James’ hands and then slipping his hand behind James’ back, grabbing ahold of his pistol and pulling it from his waistband before the man had even begun to register it was gone. 

 

Aleks slid it into his own pocket, taking a step back to watch James sputter for a moment, grabbing absently at his sides as if it would appear out of thin air. 

 

“He’s too high to actually hurt you, but watch out for his words. He says some nasty things when he’s fucked up,” Aleks said solemnly, crossing his arms over his chest as James stared pitifully at him in return, too far gone to even sit himself up and fight back. 

 

The doctors later told Aleks that if they’d been even a minute later, he would’ve died. They would’ve shown up with James’ lifeless body and Aleks would’ve died then too, right there on the spot, because there wasn’t a fucking world out there that didn’t have James in it. 

 

When James woke up later that morning, only Aleks was left in the room. Brett had paid each of the staff a pretty little penny to keep their mouths shut and not out them to the cops and luckily they’d obliged. He saw James stirring from his spot in the chair beside the bed, staying silent as he watched the older man open his eyes, immediately groaning and wrinkling his nose, annoyed with the cannula that was there. 

 

He turned his head a bit, his hair a disheveled mess against the white pillow as he squinted at Aleks, still half asleep as he blinked slowly, his tattooed arms braced against the mattress on either side of him. 

 

“I feel like shit,” he managed to get out, his voice rough and raspy and Aleks felt a pang of anger at that, sitting up in his chair. 

 

“Yeah, you look like shit too,” he replied shortly, and James stared at him for a minute, his face hardening a bit. 

 

“That wasn’t funny, you know,” Aleks continued before he could stop, shaking his head before running his fingers through his hair absentmindedly, letting out a slow breath. “I thought you were fucking dead.” 

 

James just kept staring at him, eyes still heavy with sleep and aggravation, keeping his face expressionless. 

 

“Wasn’t trying to be funny,” he responded simply, and Aleks felt bile rise to his throat as he watched his boyfriend turn his back on him, turning over and resting his head against the pillow, the room falling silent save for the rhythmically beeping of machines, and Aleks’ very painful, very loud heartbeat. 

 

As much heroin as he did, it never affected the heists. His hands never shook when he shot someone down from hundreds of yards away, his voice never wavered over the headset when things were going wrong. Not even all of the drugs in the world could bring James Wilson down when it came to getting a job done; that’s why he was the best in the business. 

 

His mood was a different story. 

 

The first time Aleks noticed a change was during a particularly large heist, one that had called in reinforcements from other groups. Aleks had been with James the entire time, as usual, and at the end they’d successfully cornered the person they’d been tracking for months, a snitch of a man named Jordan who’d been wreaking havoc within the other groups and starting rumors that weren’t true in order to turn everyone against each other. 

 

They’d finally cornered him in an old warehouse on the other side of town a week after getting word of his location, chasing him down for a solid few days before they successfully managed to gang up on him and tie him up so that he couldn’t possibly escape again. 

 

Aleks was nervous from the start; the toll that this particular mission had taken on James was nothing short of intense, and the drugs he’d been pumping into his system in order to stay awake could do nothing but harm in the long run. 

 

Jordan showed no signs of resmose, running his mouth as he fought against his captors in any way that he could, trying to weasel his way out of his seat. 

 

“Come on, you fucking losers. I was just having fun,” he teased, tilting his head to the side before giving James a sickening grin. “These heist groups are the most fun to mess with, you can’t blame me for having a good time.”

 

His “good time” had entailed the injury of people from all of their crews minus James and Aleks’ own, and it was safe to say that Cib and Geoff, who’d been with them since the start of the process, were not too pleased with the way he was speaking so lightly of this. 

 

James eyed him carefully, eyebrows furrowed and a frown upon his lips, tilting his head to the side. 

 

“You were just having fun, is that what you said?” The warehouse was completely silent, Jordan twitching slightly in his seat against the rough ropes that bound him there. He lifted his head a bit, gazing up at James through his long eyelashes and smirked, wrinkling his nose a bit. 

 

“You don’t fucking scare me, Wils-“ Aleks flinched badly, nearly jumping out of his own skin as James brought his fist down across the man’s face, punching him so hard in the jaw he swore he heard the crack echo throughout the building. 

 

Geoff was noticeably startled at Aleks’ side, his eyes widened in shock and his arms instinctively crossed over his chest at the sudden movement. Cib was silent, his face distorted into a grimace as he stared at the two men in front of him, turning his face away. He gave Aleks a look, those green eyes seeming to ask a million questions at once but only one popped out at him. 

 

_ ‘Is James okay?’  _

 

Aleks didn’t even have time to try and respond back because before he knew it James had hit him again, this time using his other hand and knocking Jordan’s face to the opposite side, taking a step forward towards the chair. 

 

“I don’t fucking WHAT? Speak up!” Jordan’s mouth was almost pouring out blood faster than a faucet, his entire neck coated with the dark red substance as the blood from his nose began to spill as well, his head tilted down as he coughed, the concrete being splattered with red flecks as he did. 

 

James was getting more and more pissed by the second, and Aleks watched from afar as he reached over and grabbed the top of Jordan’s hair, knocking off his hat beforehand and twisting his fist as Jordan let out a painful yell, his head tilted up so that he was forced to stare at the other man. 

 

“Go fuck yourself!” he spat loudly, writhing around in James’ grip and scraping the feet of the chair against the floor. Aleks swallowed a bit, gathering up enough courage to take a tentative step forward and reach out to place a gentle hand on James’ shoulder.

 

“He’s not worth-“ Aleks felt James’ hand come into contact with his arm almost instantly, catching him right in the crease of his elbow as he whipped around to glare at him, releasing his hand from Jordan’s hair and smacking Aleks’ limb out of the way. 

 

“Don’t you fucking touch me. You know better.” Aleks blanched at that, eyes widening slightly as he pulled his arm back slowly, his skin throbbing painfully as he felt a bruise coming on. He could feel Geoff and Cib’s eyes on the back of his fucking head, could almost hear the way their brains were struggling to process what was going on. 

 

James didn’t hit Aleks. James didn’t even raise his voice at him. 

 

Aleks took a step back, giving a small nod of acknowledgement to James’ sweaty red face, tilting his gaze down to stare at the floor as he began to rub at the spot on his arm before he heard James turn back around to Jordan. 

 

“Go fuck myself? Did I hear that right?” The steps began to branch off to his left and Aleks closed his eyes, knowing exactly where he was headed and what he was about to do. The eerie sound of a metal pipe being dragged across the floor filled the air, stunning Jordan into silence as Cib and Geoff shifted audibly in their spots on either side of Aleks. 

 

“You’ve got a lot of damn nerve talking to me like that…” James mused, his voice strangely foreign to Aleks’ ears. It didn’t sound like him at all, sounded like a cheap imposter that was trying too hard to make it authentic. He lifted his head at that, immediately regretting it because as soon as he did he saw James swing the pipe around behind him before bringing it straight down on Jordan’s head, the noise sickening and loud and making his heart stop. 

 

The sound that came out of Jordan’s mouth was unlike anything Aleks had ever heard and it made him nauseous, closing his eyes quickly and turning his head away as James’ voice got louder. 

 

“You wanna say it again? I’m WAITING, Jordan!” Another awful noise of metal making contact with bone and Jordan’s screaming began to falter slightly. Aleks opened his eyes again and stared at a fixed spot on the wall, arms crossed over his chest almost protectively as he focused on Geoff and Cib’s presences behind him, unmoving amidst all of the chaos. 

 

There was another swing and James hadn’t even said anything this time, and then another, and another. Aleks lifted his head again and turned, his stomach dropping somewhere down to his feet at the sight of James just absolutely losing it in front of him. 

 

Jordan’s head was no longer intact anymore, skull split open and covered in blood and other bits of brain matter that Aleks had absolutely no desire to get close to. His face was indistinguishable beneath the sticky red liquid now, his shirt and front completely soaked in it as his body laid limp in the chair, head lolled back against the wooden frame. 

 

James showed no intent on stopping, swinging down as fast as he possibly could and grunting angrily each time he did, his face scrunched up in what Aleks couldn’t tell was distress or just pure anger. Either way was terrifying, and from the looks of it he knew damn well that he wasn’t going to stop unless someone intervened, and it definitely wasn’t going to be Geoff or Cib. 

 

“James.” Aleks’ voice was lost in the noise that came with bashing someone’s brains in, echoing throughout the large concrete room and seeming to bounce off the walls. Aleks gritted his teeth, raising his voice. 

 

“James!” Again, nothing. The grunting was getting louder, his breathing harsh and loud and Aleks suddenly wanted to cry, watching the man he loved so much act in a way he’d never seen before. He dropped his hands from his chest, taking a step forward before screaming at the top of his lung. 

 

“JAMES!” He caught him just before he took another swing down at his head, hands still raised in the air as the noise startled him and he looked up suddenly, turning to Aleks and blinking almost stupidly at him, his face and neck speckled with blood. 

 

Aleks stared at him in disbelief, taking in the way his hands were shaking slightly around the pipe, and he had a strong feeling that it wasn’t from the effort of hitting him so many times. James’ eyes were blank, void of any emotion and he just looked dazed, like a deer caught in the headlights and it chilled Aleks to the bone, sending a shiver down his spine that he did his best to repress. 

 

He took another step forward, watching as James didn’t react to it, his eyes still glued on Aleks’ face. The only noise was the sound of blood dripping, some off of the pipe and some off of the chair where Jordan’s destroyed corpse was still tied to the chair. Aleks swallowed thickly, the bruise on his arm throbbing as he reached his hand out slowly, fingers stretched towards the pole. 

 

“Give it to me, please…” James blinked at that, staring at him for a few seconds more before lowering his arms slowly, getting it to about hip height before he just dropped it onto the ground, the noise loud and jarring before it rolled slightly and stopped in the middle of the two men, staying there. 

 

Aleks never broke eye contact, lowering his arm instead before his stomach churned, watching as James raised his now stilled hands up to his face, wiping the blood off with the back of his fingers like it was water before wiping them off on his pants, breaking the gaze and glancing towards Geoff and Cib. 

 

“Good work. The help was needed.” Aleks heard only silence in response, still staring at James’ profile as his chest began to tighten, brain still processing the way he’d just pulled a complete 180 in demeanor. He watched James kick the pipe aside, adjusting his vest before checking his pocket for his gun and turning towards Aleks, nodding his head towards the door as if it were the most normal thing in the world. 

 

“We’ve got business back home, let’s go.” Aleks watched in silent disbelief as James passed him and shouldered his way between the two other men before making a straight shot to the side doors, pushing them open with his hands and letting in the warm, humid air and bright moonlight that came from outside, letting them shut with a loud click behind him. 

 

After that day, it became evident that James was never really mean to anyone else when he’s high except for Aleks. 

 

Aleks isn’t sure if he should be flattered or disgusted; the fact that James’ mind is still able to single him out despite the amount of drugs turning it into absolute mush is stunning enough, and Aleks tells himself that he’s only got the brain capacity to pick on one person at a time. 

 

Aleks seemed to be his favorite person on the planet. 

 

He’s not as open with his insults at first. He still had the decency the first few times he gets fucked up to wait until it’s just the two of them alone to bitch at Aleks, to criticize him for “killing his mood” or complain that he’s an absolute bore and no fun to be around. 

 

After a couple months it turned into yelling, and this time James wasn’t always eager to wait for the privacy of their bedroom. 

 

He got upset in the middle of dinner once, all because Aleks had suggested he lay off the wine and drink some water before bed instead. No one else but him knew about the coke he’d rubbed all up in his gums before going downstairs to the kitchen, the powder he’d sniffed up his nose because “if he didn’t get something in, he was going to drop dead at the table”. 

 

The room had gone silent once James’ fist came down on the wood, shaking the dishes with a surprisingly loud rumble. Aleks had fallen silent, furrowing his brow a bit and stared down at his plate, fidgeting idly with his fork as James had gone in on him. 

 

“If you don’t recall, Aleksandr, I was busy saving YOUR ASS all goddamn day.” No one spoke, and Aleks swore the only noise in the room was the sound of his own rapidly beating heart and James’ heavy, uneven breathing. “I carry this fucking team on my shoulders, so excuse the FUCK out of me for wanting some goddamn wine AT DINNER.” Another smack, and Aleks saw Anna flinch from out of the corner of his eye. 

 

He swallowed thickly, staying still as James leaned in towards his ear and lowered his voice, as if suddenly realizing that he was yelling and this was personal, something that didn’t need to be aired out for everyone to see. 

 

“You’d best keep your fucking mouth shut and don’t comment on what I do anymore. Understood?” Aleks nodded in response, feeling numb as James’ voice spread through his bones like ice, nearly paralyzing him in his chair. James sat up nonchalantly and began eating again like nothing had even happened, his body still pressed up against Aleks’ own and now feeling absolutely dirty to the touch. 

 

Dinner resumed as normal, although a bit more tentatively. Aleks refrained from speaking the rest of the night, absently picking at his food as James kept a hand on his leg, running his thumb slowly back and forth against his thigh. When it finally ended and everyone was gathering their plates to leave, James turned his face and leaned into Aleks’ side, lips going directly to his neck and kissing gently, murmuring into his skin. 

 

“I’m sorry, baby...I can’t help when I get mad like that…” Aleks felt sick, trying his hardest to keep a straight face even though he felt like he was going to burst into tears at any moment as he nodded a bit, setting his silverware down. 

 

“I know…” was all he could muster in response, and James seemed content enough with that, still pressing gentle little kisses down the side of his neck and to his collarbone, his lips soft as ever.

 

“I love you, baby…” he murmured, and even the quietest of murmurs couldn’t hide the slurring that was beginning to overtake his voice. Aleks just closed his eyes at that, inhaling a deep breath through his nose as James rested his forehead into his neck, already beginning his descent into blacking out before Aleks finally responded. 

 

“Yeah...I love you too.” 

 

He did love James. He loved James so much that it physically hurt. 

 

Every fiber of his being knew that he shouldn’t, yet when it came to this man there was no fucking off switch. He couldn’t just stop the way he felt and he wasn’t going to try to, no matter how badly he knew he should. 

 

James was his home, his absolutely destroyed, dismantled, dilapidated, home. The rooms were bare and the furniture destroyed, the ceiling was falling in and nothing seemed to work, but it did once. 

 

There was a time where it was beautiful, and inviting, and warm, and Aleks had never wanted to leave. He had found a spot in this man’s heart that was perfectly shaped for him and settled there, burrowing his way in and never wanted to let go and James had just let him, had wrapped him in his broad arms and held him with his rough hands and had just...let him be. 

 

It was terrifying and exhilarating all at once, and that’s when Aleks knew he’d fallen in love. He’d fallen so hard and so deep that nothing in the world could get him back out. 

 

And then one day, James shoved a needle into his arm, and in an instant his wonderful, beautiful, welcome home had suddenly caught on fire and burned to the fucking ground.

 

It was around this time that people began to leave. 

 

Trevor and Asher were first; they were visibly nervous by it,but the thought of getting away from James was enough to have them go through with it, regardless of the way everyone else advised against it. 

 

Aleks never said a word; he watched the two younger boys go into James’ office in the basement, heard the angry yelling that accompanied their visit and saw the way they came back out stone faced and silent, making beelines for their bags that were sitting at the front door and left without another word. Aleks never even got the chance to say goodbye. 

 

Brett left a little while after they did, and didn’t even bother telling James in person. He’d left a note that was found by the front door the next morning, and Aleks didn’t blame him in the slightest. 

 

When Joe left, it was absolutely miserable. The distance between he and James had been growing rapidly in the last few months especially, but he still tried his hardest to get James to snap out of his habits. One day Aleks could tell he’d finally had it, and he barged into the room where James was already well on his way to blacking out, curled up in bed with his eyes barely opened, drooling onto the pillowcase beneath him. 

 

“James, I’m leaving. Right now.” Aleks had followed him slowly up the stairs, as had the girls, all of them silent but diligent on making sure Joe wasn’t harmed in any way. 

 

Joe stood there beside his bed, staring James down angrily as James didn’t respond, barely even registering he was there. It was awful to watch, and Aleks wanted to shrivel up and die right there on the floor as Joe began to plead, reaching out and taking James’ hand, shaking it roughly. 

 

“Come ON, James! Wake up! Don’t you see what you’re doing to yourself?! To everyone around you?!” His intentions were good but futile; James’ eyes were beginning to roll as he lost consciousness, and Joe threw his arm back down in disgust before turning around and storming out of the doorway, Aleks and the girls quickly leaping out of his way. 

 

“I can’t do this anymore; he’s practically dead now, anyway.” 

 

Joe left that evening, his words still stinging Aleks in a way he didn’t know how to describe.

 

Lindsey and Anna stayed around the longest, the two of them visibly tense in James’ presence at all moments, especially when Aleks was there. James had never done anything to the girls; he refrained from yelling and had never even fathomed putting his hands on either of them, as far as Aleks knew. 

 

They were more concerned for Aleks than anything else, and Lindsey vocalized this to him one evening, sometime in early autumn. 

 

“When is enough going to be enough for you?” The three of them were downstairs, James locked up in the basement poring over another mission that needed to be done and probably shooting up at the same time. Aleks inhaled a slow breath at that, staring absentmindedly at the T.V. that none of them had been paying any attention to all evening. 

 

“I don’t know,” he admitted quietly, scratching absently at his chin as Lindsey gave him a pitying stare, Anna sitting up on Aleks’ other side carefully. 

 

“Well...Lindsey and I are leaving. Our bags are in the car already, there’s nothing else for us here, but...we wanted to ask if you wanted to come with us.” Aleks felt nauseated at her words, frowning deeply while she spoke. 

 

Here was a way out. Granted, it wasn’t the best way out, but it was one nonetheless, and he wouldn’t be alone. But, as much as he probably deserved it, Aleks couldn’t stomach the thought of leaving James alone. Not now. 

 

He didn’t even have time to answer her before they heard the all too familiar footsteps of James coming back up the basement stairs, Aleks’ blood running cold and the two women freezing up on either of his sides.

 

James appeared after a few seconds, his hair down and disheveled from running his fingers anxiously through it. It was clear he’d just shot up; Aleks could see the blood he’d neglected to clean off of his arm staining his skin exposed from his short sleeved shirt. He glanced at them carefully, not saying a word until he crossed the room to the kitchen, sitting down in one of the chairs with a solid thud. 

 

“Why so quiet when I come in?” he asked, his words too slurred to be anything vicious or threatening. Aleks let his eyes flicker up as Lindsey stood up at his side, watching as she wrung her hands nervously in front of herself before sighing softly. 

 

“James...Anna and I are leaving.” 

 

There was a beat of silence that felt like years then; Aleks held his breath and immediately turned his head to face James, watching the way his face began to crumble slowly, miserably, like a building falling to its death. 

 

He sat there in stunned silence and Lindsey moved slightly to the left, away from the couch she’d been standing behind. “We can’t stay here any longer, things just didn’t work out…” James didn’t seem to be listening anymore, his head turned away as he stared almost blankly at a wall in front of him, his hands resting on top of the table and clenched into fists. 

 

Lindsey paused, sucking in another deep breath before speaking again, her voice softer than before. “You know, you can still get better-” 

 

“THAT’S A LIE!” The sudden escalation of his voice into yelling and the swift movement of his hand down onto the table caused all of them to jump, Lindsey going into shocked silence. Anna hopped up immediately, flocking to her side and grabbing onto her waist almost desperately. 

 

“Let’s go, now…” she murmured, and Aleks watched painfully as Lindsey nodded quickly in response, turning to glance at her before nodding her head towards the front door. 

 

“Come on, love…” Anna looked relieved, already well on her way out and Lindsey barely had time to turn to Aleks at the last minute, reaching her hand down and pressing something into it before whispering breathlessly into his ear. 

 

“Take him here, please. He’s going to die if he doesn’t get help now.” 

 

Aleks barely had time to look up and blink before the two women were gone, his heart aching horribly at the sight of them shutting the door behind them. The entirely of the people he’d spent the last few years of his life with were now gone, save for James, who was well on his way anyway, and he didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye to any of them. 

 

Aleks waited until he heard the car pull out of the driveway before he looked down at the folded piece of paper Lindsey had pressed into his hand, the address of a rehabilitation facility scrawled across it in messy handwriting. 

 

He didn’t even realize James was crying until he turned around again, taking note of the way the man was leaning against the table, elbows propped up and face buried in his hands, crying helplessly in between short little gasps. 

 

It was blatantly obvious what he had to; it had been blatantly obvious for the last few months, really. Aleks shoved the piece of paper into the pocket of his jeans, James’ pitiful sobs growing more and more rampant by the minute as he stepped around the couch in the living room, tentatively stepping towards the table. James showed no signs of noticing, and Aleks reached the other side of it with ease, pressing his palms against the top of the wood as he leaned carefully against it. 

 

“James, look at me.” James didn’t respond, shoulders still shaking from the way he was crying into his hands. His hair was a tangled mess, locks of it caught in between his fingers before Aleks inhaled deeply, raising his voice. 

 

“James. Now.” He responded to that, slowly lifting his face to peer out from over the tops of his fingers, sniffling loudly before dropping them. 

 

His face was pink, eyes swollen and sparkling with tears that made Aleks sick to his stomach. His cheeks were still sunken in, cheekbones prominent even more so than usual. His hair had lost that shininess to it, hanging dull and limp around his face and spilling onto his shoulders messily. His eyelashes fanned across his face as he blinked, swallowing thickly before speaking. 

 

“What?” he asked miserably, bitterly. “What are you gonna say? I told you so?” His cheeks were shiny and wet and he looked so broken that  Aleks could do nothing but stare at him for a moment, the silence in the room almost deafening. 

 

“This ends now.” James stared blankly at Aleks, holding his gaze for a few seconds before blinking slowly, the glassy look never leaving his eyes as he swallowed thickly, the words seeming to begin registering with him. 

 

“I don’t...what ends now?” There was a sense of despair to his voice beneath all of the slurring, like he knew the answer to his own question but didn’t want to say it out loud. Aleks never broke eye contact, feeling his chest threatening to tighten up as he stood there in front of the table, his hands resting on the top of the chair he was standing behind, drumming his fingers anxiously a few times against the worn wood. 

 

“You and me,” he answered quietly, and Aleks watched his face shatter right in front of his eyes, falling in almost an instant and seeming to fill the room with sharp, jagged edges of broken glass. “I’m not going to do this anymore, James.” 

 

James stood up then, as quickly as he physically could and in the process made himself dizzy, staggering forward to catch himself on the table as Aleks watched his face contort with pain, almost seeing the way his brain was hazy behind those big brown eyes he loved so much. He pressed his palms onto the table, stuttering as he struggled to piece together words coherently while Aleks watched miserably from the other side. 

 

“No, Aleks...baby, we...you’re mine, remember?” The desperation was evident; his voice was high pitched and strained and Aleks could see the way his breathing was speeding up, chest rising and falling rapidly beneath his shirt. “And I’m yours, that’s...that’s how it’s always been, we were never gonna leave each other, you promised me that…”

 

Aleks really felt sick now, stomach churning violently inside of him and he shook his head quickly, closing his eyes and feeling tears he hadn’t realized were there beginning to fall onto his cheeks. 

 

“I promised the old James that.” The words were soft and hesitant but they were the truth, and when Aleks spoke them James immediately shut up. When he opened his eyes again James was staring at him in shocked silence, blinking rapidly with his mouth slightly agape as Aleks watched his mind begin to process this, the evidence all over his face. 

 

He continued before he could lose the courage, gripping the edge of the chair a little bit tighter. 

 

“I wanted to be with the old James forever. Hell, I wanted to marry the old James.” Aleks felt the weight of the past year alone heavy on his chest, pressing against his ribcage and threatening to break his bones. He swallowed thickly, eyes stinging with more tears as he kept on. 

 

“The old James was wonderful, the only person in the world that I was truly convinced that I loved. His smile gave me hope that things were always going to get better, even when life was at its worst.” His heart was pounding now, loud and rapid in his ears and James was crying now, still holding himself up against the table as his shoulders shook with the effort it took to keep himself breathing between silent cries. 

 

“God, James…” Aleks paused then, vision flooding with tears and he tilted his head down, feeling them spill out and onto the floor beneath him, sniffling softly before shaking his head. “James, you were my fucking world. There wasn’t a goddamn thing on this planet that I wanted to do without you by my side. I wanted to wake up every morning with your arms around me because that was the only place I felt safe, and now…” He raised his hands to his eyes, sucking in a deep breath and feeling his palms growing wet with tears before he continued, voice cracking. “Now I just want to get as far away from you as possible.” 

 

James was full on crying now, and Aleks could hear the way he was choking on his own sobs, loud and short and heavy. He looked up to see him sitting in the chair again, his arms crossed on the tabletop with his face buried within them, back shaking with each labored gasp he took. Aleks felt his chest begin to tighten up, fleetingly wondering if he’d made the right decision in doing this but the time was now. 

 

“I don’t want you to die, don’t you get that?!” Aleks’ voice was watery but he still yelled, and James whimpered pitifully into his arms again, never lifting his face. “You’re one more overdose from never waking up again and I will NOT be there to bury you in the fucking ground because I can’t do this anymore, James!” 

 

James let out another anguished cry, his entire body shaking as he did and Aleks could feel it reverberate off the walls, permeating his skin and filling him up with absolute misery. His cheeks were growing wetter by the second, and he sniffled again before rushing around the corner of the table, kneeling down in front of James’ chair and resting his hands against the top of his thigh, gentle and carefully. 

 

“You have to get help.” 

 

Aleks had seen James have panic attacks before and he seemed to be well on his way to having one right now, his entire body heaving with wet sobs that wracked his entire body. Aleks sat up on his knees, moving his hands up to wrap around James’ right arm, clinging onto him with such desperation he could feel it rolling off of him in waves. 

 

“James, there’s a place I can take you. It’s right here in the city, you can get better there, you just need to say yes to this…” James whimpered into his arms, Aleks only tightening his grip as James began to speak in between panicked little gasps. 

 

“I c-can’t...theres no w-w-way they could help m-me…” Aleks closed his eyes, inhaling a sharp breath before shaking his head. 

 

“Don’t talk like that,” he retorted, and James began weakly trying to pull his arm from Aleks’ grasp, too clumsy and too high to even sway him. “They can help anyone if you put in the effort. How many more times do you have to escape death by the skin of your teeth to realize that you are not going to live forever, James?!” 

 

He lifted his head at that, blinking rapidly at Aleks’ face as he struggled to hold his gaze, eyes foggy and glazed over. He swayed slightly in his spot, his face looming so dangerously close to Aleks’ that he could count the sprinkling of freckles across his sallow skin. 

 

“And what if I say no?” His voice was almost nonexistent, rough and scratchy and thick with tears that had yet to fall. Aleks stared at him in response, his eyes burning and he blinked rapidly in a poor attempt to alleviate it before pressing his lips together, sucking in a breath. 

 

“If you say no to this, I swear to God you are never going to see me again.”

 

Nothing had broken his heart as much as those words had. Aleks could physically feel his body attempt to shut down as James’ face crumpled again, tilting his head down and squeezing his eyes shut. The crying commenced again, and this time when he yanked his arm from Aleks’ hands Aleks didn’t try and fight it. 

 

He sat back down on his knees, watching in silent pain as James pitifully cried into his left arm, the other one wrapping around his stomach like he was holding himself together. Aleks didn’t know what else to say; the ball was in James’ court now. He wasn’t going to be around to watch James die; he either said yes or Aleks was gone. 

 

James kept his face buried for a few minutes more, his sobs finally beginning to wean off after what felt like years to Aleks. He finally lifted his head slowly, the act looking almost painful to him before he struggled to make eye contact with Aleks once more, sniffling miserably before opening his mouth. 

 

“I’ll go.” 

 

And for a moment, Aleks felt hope for the first time in almost a year. He allowed that warm feeling to peruse through his body, perking up instantly with his eyes widening, nodding quickly after a moment. 

 

“I...yes, okay. Just stay here, alright?” He was up on his feet before James could even begin to think of a response, his shoes loud and rampant as he ran up the stairs to their bedroom. 

 

He shoved whatever his hands could touch of James’ stuff into a backpack, not bothering to think what they’d allow in and what they wouldn’t. His mind was going a mile a minute, repeating the same thing over and over in his head like a mantra. 

 

‘He said yes. He’s getting help, Aleks.’

 

When he got back downstairs James was laying across the table, and for a split second Aleks was sure he’d blacked out. He lifted his head ever so slowly as he heard Aleks’ footsteps approach, his face half hidden by his falling hair before Aleks stepped over wordlessly and slipped an arm around his waist, helping him stand up again. 

 

They made their way to the car and Aleks deposited him into the passenger seat, putting on his seatbelt as James let his head fall limply backwards onto the leather behind him. Aleks threw the bag into the backseat and got into the front, starting the car and pulling out before either of them could get cold feet about any of this. 

 

The address was still burned into Aleks’ brain, and the entire ride was silent as the sun began to set over the large city. James never moved, his eyes closed and Aleks had to check every few seconds to make sure his chest was still moving. 

 

At one of the stoplights, he couldn’t contain himself any longer and quickly reached out to take James, hand, slipping his fingers in between the spaces of his own and James let him, his labored breathing the only noise between the two men for the rest of the journey. 

 

When they got there it was dark, and Aleks parked in front of the building. It was in a good part of the city, a small little white building with lots of plants and lights that made it look warm and inviting. He let go of James’ hand turned the engine off, letting his fingers linger against the keys for a moment before falling into his lap. 

 

James was just as quiet, lifting his head carefully from the seat as he stared blankly at the building in front of him, his own arms resting limply against his thighs.

 

There was a million things Aleks wanted to say, but nothing was ever going to sound right coming out of his mouth. So instead, he turned around carefully, grabbing for the backpack before placing it in James’ lap and turning back around to face the front, reaching down and starting the car once more. 

 

“Go do what you have to do.” 

 

James took a few moments to process this, and Aleks could hear the way he was shifting around in his eat, hands brushing up against the fabric of the backpack. 

 

“You’re not coming in?” He sounded broken, and it took all of Aleks’ willpower not to close his eyes right then and there. 

 

“You and I both know that’s not a good idea.” James was never going to let go if Aleks was constantly at his side, and Aleks knew damn well that if he even managed to set foot into that place he’d be running out in an instant with James in his arms, because after all of this, after everything they’d been through and all the effort Aleks had put into this, he still hadn’t been able to fix James. 

 

And that absolutely fucking killed him. 

 

James didn’t say anything in response, and Aleks heard the sound of the car door opening after a minute. His footsteps were heavy and uneven as he stepped out, struggling to stay balanced but Aleks never looked his way, instead gripped onto the handles of his steering wheel like his life depended on it. 

 

James paused as he went to shut the door, and Aleks could feel the way his eyes were boring holes into the side of his profile. 

 

“I’ll see you soon,” he murmured quietly, and it didn’t sound as sure as Aleks had thought he wanted it to. He said nothing in response, never looking away from a spot on the wall of the hospital and James finally closed the door after several seconds, his footsteps barely audible over the hum of the engine. 

 

Aleks waited until he was completely inside before he broke his gaze, his eyes instantly filling up with tears that began to spill as soon as he tilted his head down towards his lap. 

 

“No, you won’t…” he murmured miserably in response, letting his forehead make contact with the steering wheel as finally began to cry, silent sobs that tightened his grip on the car and made his chest feel like it was being ripped open. 

 

He hadn’t had the heart to tell James that he meant what he said when he was done, that he loved him so goddamn much he was willing to stay away from him for the rest of his life. He couldn’t be that temptation, regardless of whether James ended up staying in rehab or not. 

 

Aleks couldn’t be the reason he lost his way again, and the only way to eliminate that was by cutting himself out of the picture forever.

 

He finished crying a few minutes later, sat up and pulled out of the parking lot. 

 

He never looked back once.

 

*         *         *

 

James spent exactly 3 months in a rehab facility in Los Santos. In those 90 days, he didn’t hear from Aleks once. After the first week or so, he’d stopped waiting for a phone call that was never going to come.

 

When he got out, he shoved what little belongings he had into his bag and stepped outside the front doors, the sun bright and the city sparkling before him with a new sense of hope. Granted, the buildings were the same, the streets still just as city and the crime rate still as high as ever, but he looked upon this place with a new eye, trying to remember the way he had once seen it all those years ago when he moved into it for the first time. 

 

The house was under his name and he’d made sure to pay all bills for the 3 months following his departure. He didn’t have anyone to take him there so he decided to walk it, miles and miles of roads he’d passed by so often in his life here but ones he’d never paid much attention to. 

 

When he got home he foolishly half expected Aleks’ Camaro to be there but all that greeted him in the driveway was James’ own vehicle. He ventured up the steps and unlocked the door, opening it to see the same old house, with the same old furniture and same old decor on the walls. It was like he’d never left, really. 

 

James had taken the time while he was gone to process that Aleks had really left, and even 3 months couldn’t prepare him for when he walked up the stairs and to his bedroom and saw Aleks’ stuff all missing from inside. He didn’t blame him; he would’ve left himself, too. It was a miracle he’d stayed as long as he had. 

 

The other rooms were just as empty and had been before he’d left, but now held a new sense of loneliness to them. He hadn’t processed that all of his friends had up and left him until he’d gone to rehab, and when he finally did it had him him like a battering ram. 

 

James closed the door of his bedroom and vowed not to sleep in it, at least not tonight. The couch downstairs seemed a more viable option, anyway. 

 

He’d developed a new routine in rehab for living his day to day life, but found it almost impossible to replicate here in his house again. Most of that night was spent walking aimlessly around his kitchen, then out to the living room, and back into the kitchen again. He felt stupid doing it but, in all honesty, he had no idea what to do now that he was back here again. 

 

James finally ended up making himself food that he only picked at for an hour before throwing it away, sitting down on the couch and wondering idly if the horrible feeling in his chest he’d had since walking out the front doors that morning was ever going to go away. 

 

He heard the sound of someone pulling up on the pavement of his driveway at almost midnight, after he’d just turned off the T.V. and was debating whether or not sleeping was in his best interest tonight. 

 

James looked up, frowning slightly at the bright lights that shone briefly through his window before he sat up on the couch, watching as they went out and the hum of a car engine ceasing as it was turned off. He slid his legs off the couch slowly, his hands instinctively gripping the edges of the cushions as he prepared himself for whatever was going to start knocking on the door, if they even bothered to knock. 

 

There was a jiggling of the handle, and then a beat of silence. James held his breath, still completely in the dark before he heard the quiet jingling of keys being taken out. 

 

Something in his brain seemed to snap on at that, and he was leaping up from the couch before he could stop himself, reaching his hand out to the handle and swinging the door open in one swift move. 

 

Aleks was there, hand outstretched with his house key in his fingers and positioned, ready to place it in the lock that was no longer there. His eyes widened in shock, blinking rapidly at James who returned the stare, just as surprised. 

 

James watched a million different emotions begin to flood his face at once, visibly struggling to process them all before he seemed to realize his hand was still up for no reason. He tilted his head down and quickly shoved his keys into the pocket of his jacket, baggy and wet from the rain that had steadily begun to pour outside. 

 

It had only been 3 months, but Aleks looked different. His hair was longer, messier at the top and his roots made up most of the color, only a slight smattering of blonde amongst his head. He was dressed in jeans and a large black jacket that fell to his mid thigh, the sleeves constantly slipping down to cover the color on his tattooed arms. 

 

He raised a ran to his head, running his fingers quickly through his damp hair before he lifted his face again, and James caught sight of those ethereal brown eyes again. He felt his breath catch in his throat, the two of them standing in silence as James held onto the edge of the door and Aleks began to fidget anxiously with his hands, breaking it after a moment. 

 

“Can I come in?” His voice was soft and scratchy and seemed to hold a thousand and one things within it, and for a moment James just savored the way it sounded again. 3 months had been such a long time. 

 

“Yeah, of course…” He stepped back carefully, turning on the light as he did and pulling the door back with him before giving Aleks room to step inside, dripping water onto the entryway tile. He had on a backpack that James hadn’t noticed before, equally as wet and James closed the door once he’d gotten inside, watching as Aleks carefully slipped it off his shoulders and set it down on the floor before standing again. 

 

“Sorry, didn’t realize it was raining that hard…” he mumbled apologetically, and James, for some reason, just couldn’t find it in him to say anything back. The rain he’d muted out before was now all he could focus on, loud and steady outside as he tried to drown out the way his heart was now pounding violently in his ears. 

 

He watched Aleks unzip his jacket, slipping it off his shoulders before hanging it carefully on the newel post of the staircase, his movements slow and hesitant. James kept quiet, the silence in the room almost as loud as the storm outside as Aleks turned back towards his bag, kneeling down and unzipping it carefully. 

 

He pulled out a notebook, worn and falling apart with pages sticking out at various places, his pale fingers clutching onto it tightly as he stood back up, holding it to the dry shirt he was wearing, pressed lightly against his chest. 

 

James swallowed thickly, the sheer emotion of seeing Aleks again and in person after so long hitting him like a battering ram as he finally began to process it in his mind. He inhaled a slow breath, tapping his fingers anxiously on the sides of his sweatpants as he watched Aleks glance back up at him, opening his mouth before he lost the courage. 

 

“Aleks, I am so sorry for all of the shit I put you through…” His voice was already cracking, feeling the pressure that came right before crying building up within his chest. Aleks shook his head quickly, closing his eyes for a second before sighing a bit. 

 

“James, just...don’t, okay? I came here to talk to you, so just...be quiet for a moment.” His tone wasn’t malicious or spiteful; frankly, he sounded sad, troubled almost. There was a lot of things to read in his voice but none of them were mean, and James found himself closing his mouth almost instantly, blinking in surprise before he fell completely silent. 

 

Aleks inhaled a slow breath, as if trying to steady himself before he brought the notebook back up, glancing down at it with a pained sort of look on his face. He stared at it for a few seconds, James watching his every movement with earnest before Aleks broke the silence. 

 

“I don’t know what you did in rehab, exactly...everywhere is different, from what I gathered. But I looked online after I took you, just because I wanted to see what you’d be doing and I found that a lot of places often have you keep a journal during your stay.” James chewed on his bottom lip, feeling his stomach flip as Aleks let his eyes flicker up towards his face for a split second before looking back down at the book in his hands. 

 

“I don’t know if you did that but...I kept one, while you were gone.” Another beat of silence, Aleks taking another steadying breath before continuing. “I felt like I was in my own rehab while you were gone. I had to learn what my life was without you in the picture.” 

 

James could feel his eyes beginning to sting now, throat tightening up slightly as he crossed his arms over his chest in a feeble attempt to relax, his entire body seeming to ache now. Aleks didn’t look back up this time, didn’t even pause his words. 

 

“After 3 months...today, actually, the day you got out...I looked back at everything I’d written and decided that I owed you at least some sort of explanation. I couldn’t live with myself if I left you in the dark for the rest of your life.” James watched the way Aleks’ hands were trembling slightly now, his index finger slipping beneath the corner of one of the pages before flipping it carefully, pursing his lips for a moment. 

 

“So, I wrote you this letter.” 

 

And James wasn’t prepared for this. Rehab had taught him how to cope with withdrawal and resist urges and bettering himself mentally and as a person all around but none of the doctors there had ever prepared him for what to do when the man he loved more than anything in this world came walking back into his life with eyes full of tears and a journal full of things he’d been wanting to say for months on end. 

 

Part of him wanted to run upstairs and lock himself in the bedroom and never come out, and part of him wanted to rip the notebook right out of Aleks’ hands and throw it outside into the pouring rain to get destroyed forever. 

 

There was a tiny part that wanted to hear it, though, and that was the part that kept him standing there in silence, watching carefully as Aleks stared at the paper once more for a few moments, eyes flickering across the words before he began to speak again. 

 

“Dear James, 

 

Today marks exactly 90 days since I last saw you. 90 days doesn’t sound like much, but it could’ve been 90 years for all I know. I feel like I’ve aged lifetimes without you by my side, and I’m not sure if that makes me sad or not, because the age old saying that life always goes on seems to be true after all. 

 

While you were gone, I decided to try and conduct my own rehabilitation. They’re not lying when they say it’s one of the hardest things a person can do, but I always had faith you were strong enough. You’ve always been so strong in everything you did.” 

 

Aleks paused then, face contorting painfully as he swallowed thickly and James could feel his cheeks growing wet, his chest still aching like he’d been punched in the heart. 

 

“The night I dropped you off, I went home and sat in our bed and just breathed for what felt like the first time in almost a year. I just kept taking these deep breaths so that they filled my lungs and every time I did I felt like crying. I had to talk myself out of driving back and going to get you again so many times that night I lost count, and at some point during the night I just burst into tears and didn’t stop for hours.

 

I’m not telling you this to make you feel guilty, but I want you to know that, despite it all, I was rooting for you the whole time.” 

 

James couldn’t see Aleks anymore, his vision blurry with tears that were welling up too fast to fall. He quickly lifted his hand and wiped them away, sniffling softly as Aleks let out another slow breath, still staring down at his own words. 

 

“I was trying to understand how I still loved you. It didn’t seem right, how could I care so much about a person who wasn’t even a person anymore? And it took awhile, but...it finally hit me. 

 

The person I loved was still there; he was just buried beneath all of this shit that he’d taken on.” 

 

James couldn’t help but whimper at that, shaking his head and burying his face in his arm for a moment as Aleks steadied himself again, continuing on. 

 

“The person I left that night was not James Wilson; the person I left wasn’t even a person at all. There is so much good in you still, even after all of the things you’ve done, and I need you to know this. I need you to realize that people are not defined by the mistakes they make in their lives because if that were true, the world would be miserable. 

 

And yeah, it feels like it is sometimes. I can’t imagine the things you felt and did that made you want to take those drugs, and I’m not going to pretend like I do. But these things that you did...they don’t matter anymore because you made it out, James. Against all of the odds, you survived and you conquered and there is no greater feat in life than that.” 

 

James blinked slowly at Aleks as he paused, more tears slipping down his cheeks as he stared him down, watching the younger man lift his head to meet his gaze for a few seconds, his own eyes spilling over with tears before he lifted a hand to his head again, running his fingers slowly through his hair as he looked back down at the paper, his other hands shaking visibly as he stared it down. 

  
  


“Despite what you may think...you are still the best person I’ve ever known. You are not worth less in this world from the things you’ve done. You can’t help the people that come and go in your life, but you can help yourself, and that’s exactly what you did.

 

I know that you are going to do great things with your life because that’s what you were destined to do. There are few people in this world who are able to do that but James, you are definitely one of them. I’m not scared for your future anymore; I’m optimistic. The people that come into it are going to see the James Wilson I saw when I first met you, the one I fell in love with and the one I will always love.” 

 

James’ brain was on overload; he struggled to reel all of this information in, letting Aleks’ words sit on the surface of his skin until they began to seep in and his heart was thudding against his ribcage. He barely noticed Aleks pause again, only catching the way his face fell for a split second. 

 

“You don’t owe me anything, but I owed you this. There were things I needed to say that were going to kill me if I didn’t say them, and now that it’s done I don’t really know where that leaves us. 

 

I said earlier that I didn’t leave you, but the thing you’d become. It’s important to note that difference. But at the end of the day, no one controls your life but you, and now more than ever, the company you choose to take is of utmost importance. I don’t know your plans for the rest of your life, but I hope they’re happy ones. If you take anything from this, let it be that I want you happy, always and forever.

 

I hope that light never leaves your eyes, James. Keep that smile forever, because the world is so much better with that in it.

 

Take care, 

 

Aleks.” 

 

The silence that filled the room then was the most miserable thing James had ever experienced. The finality of Aleks’ words weighed down upon his heart so heavily that he felt like it was somewhere near his feet now, his entire body feeling as if it were about to cave in on itself. 

 

James watched as Aleks slowly closed his notebook, taking it into one of his hands before letting his arms fall to his sides, staring up at James with eyes so solemn and so shiny with tears that James could do nothing but stare. 

 

“You are going to be okay,” he said softly, and James felt his eyes water just from the sound of his voice. “Things always get better. Your life may not involve me anymore but just know...you’re always going to have someone cheering you on, even from afar.” James frowned miserably, watching as Aleks tried and failed at wiping his eyes with his sleeve, sniffling a bit before taking a deep breath. 

 

“I just felt like it translated better in person,” he murmured quietly, already kneeling down to grab his bag again. “Midnight was a really dumb time to show up, but I couldn’t wait any longer…” 

 

James could feel panic beginning to seize him, sharp fingers taking ahold of his chest and squeezing tight, freezing him in place as he helplessly watching Aleks starting to leave. This wasn’t right; even after rehab, nothing felt the same without Aleks there. Nothing in the world could prepare him for the way this man was about to disappear out of that door and into the stormy night forever. 

 

Aleks had his hand on the handle when James suddenly snapped out of it, reaching forward and grabbing onto it at the same time, their hands touching and seeming to freeze them in place, feet rooted to the tile and both of their eyes fixed on each other, the two of them just breathing inches away from each other for a few seconds. 

 

“Aleks…” His voice cracked and he cleared his throat quickly, the younger man not even flinching once at his mistake. “You don’t…” He stopped again, struggling to find the right words to say, frowning slightly. 

 

“I was awful to you. I did things that I can never stop apologizing for and I’m never going to forgive myself for them. You say it was someone else...I say it was me. Even if I don’t remember half of the things I did, I still did them. I have to stay accountable.” 

 

Aleks didn’t say anything, still staring him down with those furrowed eyebrows and dark eyes as James continued. 

 

“You don’t owe me anything. All you wanted to do was help me get better, and I couldn’t see that for the longest time. But if you’re still wondering, still trying to figure out what I’m going to do with the rest of my life...you are always going to be welcome in it.” 

 

Something changed in Aleks’ eyes then; whether it was pure shock or horror or something else, James didn’t pause to find out and barrelled on. 

 

“And that’s so shitty of me to say because I know I was bad to you, I know these things and it’s wrong of me to assume that you’d even want anything to do with me again but God, it’s just so fucking hard to imagine myself moving forward without you at my side and I shouldn’t be saying any of this-” 

 

James’ mouth met Aleks’ own in a beautiful, rough collision then, stopping more words from falling from his tongue. He froze up in complete shock, his entire body stiffening up as he realized Aleks’ hands were on the sides of his face, palms pressed against his beard as he kissed him slowly, intimately, as gentle as only Aleks could get. 

 

He pulled away after a few seconds, keeping his hands on his cheeks as he surveyed James’ face carefully, blinking slowly. 

 

“James, there is absolutely no one in this world that I would rather spend the rest of my life with.” 

 

The feeling that he experienced then was unlike anything he’d felt before. Relief flooded through him like a tsunami wave, engulfing his body and relaxing his limbs as the first smile in what felt like years began to spread across his lips, a sigh of pure adoration escaping through his lips. 

 

There was work to be done; he knew that. He knew he and Aleks were going to have to start from square one, were going to have to find that trust in each other again that had been torn down throughout the previous year. He knew that things were going to be slow and not always easy, that fights were going to be had and tempers lost. 

 

There were things he had said and done that he was never going to be able to take back.

 

But, goddamnit, if the grin on Aleks’ face told him anything, it was that everything was going to be alright in the end.

 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! i appreciate every single one of you readers, and i hope that this fic left you more happy than sad. life is hard; we're all just trying to get through it. 
> 
> i don't know when i'll be back with my next fic, but hopefully it's sooner than not! college always comes first (gotta stay on that hustle) but i still always make time to write for y'all! 
> 
> my twitter is @fakechops and tumblr is @uberhaxorslut, feel free to message me on either any time. :)
> 
> ALSO: if you feel so inclined, my ko-fi is here :) https://www.ko-fi.com/playthetyrants


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